W. C. Fields
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.Collection: Trying
Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.Collection: Mind
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.Collection: Funny Life
Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!Collection: Horse
All things considered, I'd rather be in PhiladelphiaCollection: Philadelphia
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.Collection: Bible
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.Collection: Believe
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.Collection: Race
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.Collection: Night
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.Collection: Wife
I never eat before breakfast.Collection: Breakfast
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!Collection: Uncles
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.Collection: Drinking
It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.Collection: Drinking
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.Collection: Home
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.Collection: Drinking
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.Collection: Marriage
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.Collection: Christmas
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.Collection: Funny
You can't cheat an honest man.Collection: Truth
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.Collection: Christmas
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nineCollection: Nine
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reasonCollection: Drinking
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.Collection: Giving
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.Collection: Inspirational
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.Collection: Religious
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.Collection: Sympathy
I like children. If they're properly cooked.Collection: Children
I never drink water... fish f**k in it.Collection: Drinking
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.Collection: Mom
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.Collection: Leprosy
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.Collection: Sex
I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.Collection: Years
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.Collection: Baby
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.Collection: Thinking
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.Collection: Men
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?Collection: Funny
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.Collection: Ambition
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.Collection: Daughter
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.Collection: Funny
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.Collection: Real
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.Collection: Simple
I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.Collection: Business
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.Collection: Insulting
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!Collection: Brother
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.Collection: Knives
Never work with animals or children.Collection: Children
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.Collection: Men
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.Collection: Eight