W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.Collection: Women
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.Collection: Family
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.Collection: New
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.Collection: Pet
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.Collection: Success
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.Collection: Money
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.Collection: Experience
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.Collection: Funny
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.Collection: Food
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.Collection: Women
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.Collection: Death
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.Collection: Food
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.Collection: Food
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.Collection: Humor
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.Collection: Politics
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.Collection: Equality
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?Collection: Death
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.Collection: Time
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.Collection: Money
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.Collection: Best
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.Collection: Great
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.Collection: Trust
I like children - fried.Collection: Funny
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
Never give a sucker an even break.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.