Scott Adams
Mockery is an important social tool for squelching stupidity. I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.Collection: People
If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.Collection: Nuts
If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.Collection: Funny Work
I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.Collection: Stupid
Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve.Collection: Long
Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas.Collection: Ideas
I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.Collection: Jobs
The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar.Collection: Effort
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.Collection: Funny
Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.Collection: Funny
Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. According to my calculations it didn't start with a "Big Bang" at all-it was more of "Phhbwt" sound. You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "Little Phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away.Collection: Science
People are idiots. Including me. Everyone is an idiot, not just the people with the low SAT scores. The only difference is that we're idiots about different things at different times. No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.Collection: Smart
If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.Collection: Mushrooms
Some physicists describe gravity in terms of ten dimensions all curled up. But those aren't real words-just placeholders, used to refer to parts of abstract equations.Collection: Real
Stem cells are like toenail clippings with a better career plan.Collection: Science
I'm curious how you'll know it works. I assume it's mostly a cosmetic change.Collection: Insanity
The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that mximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.Collection: Giving
The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.Collection: Jobs
And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.Collection: Technology
The best plan now is to have as many bosses as possible. I call it boss diversity. If you work for a company and you have one boss and that boss doesn't like you or wants to get rid of you, you're in trouble. But if you work for yourself, you have lots of bosses, who are your customers, and if a few of them decide they don't like you, that's okay.Collection: Diversity
I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.Collection: Coffee
Man is a game playing animal and a computer is another way to play games.Collection: Animal
Every generation of humans believed it had all the answers it needed, except for a few mysteries they assumed would be solved at any moment. And they all believed their ancestors were simplistic and deluded. What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality ?Collection: Science
Scientists often invent words to fill the holes in their understanding.These words are meant as conveniences until real understanding can be found. ... Words such as dimension and field and infinity ... are not descriptions of reality, yet we accept them as such because everyone is sure someone else knows what the words mean.Collection: Real
The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don't. That's why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.Collection: Religious
Dogbert gazing at night sky No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. DogbertThank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. DilbertIt's the miracle of science.Collection: Stars
When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.Collection: Stupid
Newsreader: A huge asteroid could destroy Earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries. Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off your television screen. [TV remote control] Click.Collection: Science
Dinosaur: I plan to use punctuated equilibrium to turn this zit into a third eye. Catbert: That's not a natural advantage. You'd better stay away from the fitter dinosaurs.Collection: Nature
He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.Collection: Sex
I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have the ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string.Collection: Believe
I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.Collection: Funny
He changed more times than a baby in a beer-drinking contest.Collection: Baby
If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.Collection: Kids
Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far.Collection: Inspirational
Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane.Collection: Reality
Sadness is just another word for not enough coffee.Collection: Coffee
In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him.Collection: Dog
If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.Collection: Food
This happens to me: I have this great idea and then I make the mistake of telling someone else.Collection: Mistake
If you work in the city long enough, it begins to deal with you on a personal level. Streets reveal their moods. Sometimes the signal light loves you. Sometimes they fight you. When you're hunting for a new building, you hope the city is on your side. You have to use a little bit of thinking--you might call it the process of elimination--and you need a little bit of instinct, but not too much of either. If you think too hard, you overshoot your target and end up at the Pier or the Tenderloin. If you relax and let the city help, the destination does all the work for you.Collection: Love You
Every year, it takes more brains to navigate this complicated world. More people are falling below what I call the 'incompetence line' through no fault of their own.Collection: Fall
You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you'd be in a wheelchair too.Collection: Sex
In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It’s called Karoshi. I don’t want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.Collection: Funny
The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.Collection: Want
For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.Collection: Science
Some people fear that technology will become more engaging than live human interactions. That's silly; technology is already way more interesting than other people.Collection: Silly
Technology: No Place for Wimps!Collection: Technology
In the future, it will become increasingly obvious that your competitors are just as clueless as you are.Collection: Business