Scott Adams
Few things in life are less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed.Collection: Writing
I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time.Collection: Hands
The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the dayCollection: Helping
It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.Collection: Running
If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?Collection: Winning
The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.Collection: Differences
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.Collection: Life
When did ignorance become a point of view?Collection: Ignorance
If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness to risk embarrassment.Collection: Success
If you’re going to create, create a lot. Creativity is not like playing the slot machines, where failure to win means you go home broke. With creativity, if you don’t win, you’re usually no worse off than if you hadn’t played.Collection: Home
Remember, freedom is always taken, never given.Collection: Taken
Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership.Collection: Believe
Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight.Collection: Sight
The surest way to identify those who won't succeed at weight loss is that they tend to say things like "My goal is to lose ten pounds." Weight targets often work in the short run. But if you need willpower to keep the weight off, you're doomed in the long run. The only way to succeed in the long run is by using a system that bypasses your need for willpower.Collection: Running
Everybody is somebody's else's weirdoCollection: Dilbert
People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.Collection: People
The ability to work hard and make sacrifices comes naturally to those who know exactly what they want.Collection: Hard Work
Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.Collection: Hard Work
Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.Collection: Jobs
In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.Collection: Death
Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.Collection: Stress
Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.Collection: Strong
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.Collection: Life
Management is nature's way of removing idiots from the productive flow.Collection: Wisdom
Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.Collection: Vocabulary
Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support the so-called "round earth theory." Dilbert: I think Christopher Columbus would disagree. Dogbert: How convenient that your best witness is dead.Collection: Believe
As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won't run out of material.Collection: Running
The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction, I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.Collection: Long
Dogbert: So, Since Columbus is dead, you have no evidence that the earth is round. Dilbert: Look. You can Ask Senator John Glenn. He orbited the earth when he was an astronaut. Dogbert: So, your theory depends on the honesty of politicians. Dilbert: Yes... no, wait.Collection: Honesty
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car.Collection: Car
I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if any actual readers. The writers are in it for other reasons. Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn. All you get is the pleasure of a completed task.Collection: Work
As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.Collection: Technology
Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.Collection: Fashion
A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.Collection: Death
Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands... uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know... I'll bluff the rest. Slap your partner in the face, Write bad checks all over the place, Flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, Get a divorce and lose your house, ...uh... dosey-do.Collection: Moving
When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.Collection: Reality
By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.Collection: Practice
Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding.Collection: Assumption
Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words.Collection: Knowledge
Writers tend to work early in the morning, or late at night, when brains are naturally able to focus deeply on one thought. In the middle of the day, distractions are unavoidable. I wonder if anything worthwhile has ever been written in the afternoon.Collection: Morning
Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.Collection: Night
I should have written that down. - DilbertCollection: Should Have
Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time.Collection: Humor
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won’t be needing them again.Collection: Firsts
In yesterday’s post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95% of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5% expressed a strong preference for lying.Collection: Strong
Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn’t mean I can’t be the first.Collection: Firsts
When you hire that first person, then you’re a boss. You’ve got performance reviews. You’ve got complaints about not making enough money. You’ve got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.Collection: Stories