Scott Adams
The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots.Collection: People
The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly.Collection: Horse
Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.Collection: Coffee
For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude.Collection: Attitude
In yesterday's post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95% of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5% expressed a strong preference for lying.Collection: Strong
There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it.Collection: Ideas
We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.Collection: Smart
On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.Collection: Clothes
If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.Collection: Drunk
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?Collection: Wisdom
Intelligence is a measure of how well you function within your level of awareness.Collection: Levels
For our purposes, let’s say a goal is a specific objective that you either achieve or don’t sometime in the future. A system is something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of happiness in the long run. If you do something every day, it’s a system. If you’re waiting to achieve it someday in the future, it’s a goal.Collection: Running
E-books are impervious to analogy.Collection: Book
The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller.Collection: Laughter
Our perceptions of truth are built around what is practical, not what is true. Even the smartest human brain doesn't have the capacity for discerning true facts. That's why so many of us settle for scientific facts. It's the best we can do.Collection: Truth
Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment. I recommend paying weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data. Then eat the wrong kind of foods and hope you die before the earth does.Collection: Writing
Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your "gut instinct" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.Collection: Smart
A rental car is basically an ashtray on wheels.Collection: Car
We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational.Collection: Wise
To err is human. To cover it up is weasel.Collection: Weasels
Dilbert: I'm obsessed with inventing a perpetual motion machine. Most scientists think it's impossible, but I have something they don't. Dogbert: A lot of spare time? Dilbert: Exactly.Collection: Science
Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.Collection: Inspirational
I've always defined myself not as a cartoonist , but as an entrepreneur. That was true before I tried cartooning. I always imagined cartooning would be how I got my seed capital. I always thought my other businesses would be the less dominant part of my life.Collection: Entrepreneur
The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.Collection: Food
I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.Collection: Wife
Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail thereCollection: Men
There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.Collection: Funny Work
If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.Collection: Writing
The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be that stabbin Dilbert guy.Collection: Knowing
Failure is a resource that can be managed.Collection: Resources
He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.Collection: Death
Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.Collection: Mean
You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead nor alive until we dig him up and open the casket. If he's alive, he might want his brain back, which I understand is in a Ziplock bag in some guy's freezer. And this is a perfect example of why examples always distract from the main point.Collection: Death
Computers and rocket ships are examples of invention, not of understanding. ... All that is needed to build machines is the knowledge that when one thing happens, another thing happens as a result. It's an accumulation of simple patterns. A dog can learn patterns. There is no "why&rdqo"; in those examples. We don't understand why electricity travels. We don't know why light travels at a constant speed forever. All we can do is observe and record patterns.Collection: Dog
Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than a dollar spent on product improvement.Collection: People
The best you can hope for in this life is that your delusions are benign and your compulsions have utility.Collection: Life Is
Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good to anyone else if you're unhealthy, a financial burden, or an emotional basket case. Fix yourself before you turn outward. It's best for everyone.Collection: Wise
Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.Collection: Song
As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.Collection: People
I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it.Collection: Karma
The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out.Collection: Knowing
The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy. - Wally's Keynote SpeechCollection: Thinking
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.Collection: Needs
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.Collection: Wisdom
You can change only what people know, not what they do.Collection: People
I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.Collection: Zero
I keep hearing the argument that some things are constitutional while other things are not. The idea is that we should be in favor of all the things that were decided over 200 years ago by a bunch of slave-owning cross-dressers who pooped in holes.Collection: Years