Roseanne Barr
Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.
Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.Collection: Women
Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.Collection: Trying
Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.Collection: Ears
I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.Collection: Mirrors
I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.Collection: Divorce
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.Collection: Mom
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.Collection: Dream
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.Collection: Birthday
My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.Collection: Husband
I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.Collection: Beer
It's a big culture of mind control too, MK-Ultra mind control rules in Hollywood. If you don't know that, google it and look into it. It's really hard for artists to find their voice in the media. It's levels of brainwashing and mind control.Collection: Artist
There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.Collection: Earth
If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.Collection: Fun
A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.Collection: Artist
Being nuts is its own reward.Collection: Nuts
Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bombs get thrown only when people cannot honestly talk together.Collection: People
I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.Collection: Want
Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.Collection: Country
I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.Collection: Common
As the books got more and more Zionist and less and less socialist, my entire generation, at least a large percentage of it, simply left Judaism. We became Buddhist and Hindu and atheist or agnostic, all of which (except Christian) were more in keeping with peaceful self-transformative ideas that did not bow down to militarism.Collection: Christian
No government in the Middle East is innocent. Wars make the stock market go up, so no one in America is innocent either, nor anyone anywhere where capitalism reigns.Collection: War
Everything on this earth right now is about labor and slavery. War is the only American export left that anyone wants to buy.Collection: War
Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel.Collection: Dating
Illiteracy is a huge problem in America. One in three adults in our country is illiterate.Collection: Country
The basic thing is, people want to get paid, so they'll say the things that get them paid, in entertainment or politics.Collection: People
I believe in equal rights for all citizens. One law for all.Collection: Believe
Once you get away from wanting to get paid, you can actually say some true things.Collection: Get Away
I got, like, Diane Keaton's manager, and she was very connected; she had power. And she was like, "Your star is in tears on this comedy. Do you even notice that at all?"Collection: Stars
My family were hitters. If you made them laugh, they didn't hit you. My dad wouldn't hit me if I got him with humor right between the eyes.Collection: Dad
When I was three, I fell and I got Bell's palsy in my face. My mom said the first day she called the rabbi, and he said a prayer for me but nothing happened. The second day she called the Mormons, and they said a prayer for me and my face was healed, so my whole life was going around as a Jew who was giving talks in Mormon churches about being healed by the Mormons.Collection: Mom
I never consciously set out to talk about taboos or anything like that.Collection: Taboo
I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful.Collection: Successful
A lot of people who are actors and artists who work in Hollywood come from a background of abuse, and you can make abused people very fearful and they'll do what they're told. Hollywood definitely has a point of view that it sells.Collection: Artist
I have horrible stage fright - you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and perform, but then you're not funny at all.Collection: Drug
I remember performing on a punk stage with no mic in the middle of a mosh pit. My act was called "How to Be a Domestic Goddess."Collection: Pits
When I was little, that was one thing that I was told in a vision: I was going to have my own show when I grew up. And it's going to be funny.Collection: Vision
I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.Collection: Hate
Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life.Collection: Meditation
Oh, hi. I been married thirteen years, and lemme tell you, it's a thrill to be out of the house. I never get out of the house. I stay home all the time. I never do anything fun 'cause I'm a housewife. I hate the word "housewife." I prefer to be called "domestic goddess.Collection: Marriage
In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.Collection: Children
I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.Collection: Way
My grandmother ... came here, not only like so many others because of the streets 'being paved with gold' and all, but because she wanted to leave the place where the streets were paved with people who had not gone to America.Collection: Grandmother
TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics.Collection: Art
You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.Collection: Girl
I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.Collection: Satan
I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!Collection: Common Sense
Abortion is a woman's right.Collection: Abortion
Those who can't do, teach. And, as Woody Allen says, those who can't teach, teach gym. And, as I say, those who can't teach gym become experts. That's who we look to for answers these days-the people telling you how to make your marriage work. Men telling women how to raise their self-esteem. The only thing that cures everything is talking to people who have the same problem you do. The rest is just a moneymaking bullshit scheme that some asshole is getting rich on.Collection: Self Esteem