Roseanne Barr
Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.Collection: Husband
There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.Collection: Darkness
My best friend Linda is leaving her husband just because he is unfaithful to her. That is no reason to leave the person. I feel like after that, you should stay with them and make sure that the rest of their life is sheer hell.Collection: Husband
I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.Collection: Nature
Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.Collection: Thinking
My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.Collection: Kids
I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.Collection: Jobs
A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?Collection: Men
Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.Collection: Done
Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.Collection: Philosophy
I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'Collection: Proud
We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.Collection: Sick
Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.Collection: Play
There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.Collection: Men
Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error.Collection: Book
Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.Collection: Thinking
I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.Collection: Reality
There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.Collection: Song
The American people are sick and tired of this ‘lesser evil’ garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they’re in office...Collection: Tired
Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama cannot win, and they are put in place to assure a victory by Mitt Romney... this is the plan of all the insurance companies that are owned by Mormon interests. It is unfolding as the Mormon Church planned over the last fifty years.Collection: Stupid
I have great parents, and they both taught me great things, but my formative years were boundaryless.Collection: Years
US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.Collection: College
I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.Collection: Crush
I want to be the girl in Indiana Jones. I would love to do an adventure movie where I was saving the world. It might be cool if I used a lot of kitchen tools to fight off the enemy.Collection: Girl
I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.Collection: Children
I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.Collection: War
As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.Collection: Thinking
Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?Collection: Blow
Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!Collection: Blessed
Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.Collection: Mother
I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.Collection: Thinking
I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.Collection: Thinking
Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.Collection: Running
Nobody wanted the "Roseanne" show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.Collection: Agents
After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.Collection: Hollywood
Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.Collection: Men
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.Collection: Bulls
If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn’t going to be much fun.Collection: Fun