Roseanne Barr
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.Collection: Parenting
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.Collection: Women
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?Collection: Anger
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.Collection: Mom
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.Collection: Good
I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.Collection: Mom
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?Collection: Intelligence
I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.Collection: Alone
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.Collection: Power
I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel; it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost.Collection: Travel
Comedy is the only hope for humanity.Collection: Hope
And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.Collection: Humor
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.
I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.
I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'
I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish.
Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact.
Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.
I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world.
Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life.
Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.
The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!
I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place.
I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.
I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more.
Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting.
'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.
You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'
Excuse the mess but we live here.
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success.
Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.
A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.'
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I was completely nuts for most of my life.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.