Robin Williams
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?Collection: Funny
My father retired to San Francisco, and I got a chance to know him and be around him. It's always been someplace where everything changed for the better. It's always been a home for me.Collection: Father
I play a lot of computer games. I love computer graphics. I've had Pixar in me for a long time.Collection: Games
Women are incredibly intuitive. If anybody on the planet is going to evolve to the next level, that telekinetic thing, women will.Collection: Next Level
It's that idea that you can have one drink - and no you can't. Within a week I was drinking heavily. It was so quick that even I was like, 'Wow.'Collection: Drinking
I'm fascinated by the new iPhone. I bought it and kept trying to use it in France. "Siri, what is a good restaurant?" (In a robotic voice.) "I'm sorry, Robin. I can't give locations in France." "Why, Siri?" "I don't know." It's like she was upset with the French or something. "They seem to have an attitude I can't understand. Should I look for Germans, Robin?"Collection: Sorry
When I find out a hotel doesn't have a DSL, it's like "What? There's no toilet?" Once you get used to high speed you ain't going backCollection: Inspiration
Sometimes with a comedy it's just having the instinct of how real you play it and what level you want it.Collection: Real
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.Collection: Christian
Cross-country running was so beautiful with all the trails and the lake regions ... very physical and also a bit spiritual, where you could come over the mountain and all of a sudden you'd see a Buddhist landscape fog.Collection: Beautiful
Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, "Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause."Collection: Men
Along with the Oscars, the Academy is giving out a green card.Collection: Giving
To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world.Collection: Life
Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.Collection: Beautiful
My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.Collection: Yankees
Compassionate conservative, that's like having a gun rack on a Volvo.Collection: Gun
I was once walking in an airport and a woman came up to me and said, 'Be zany!'. That'd be like walking up to Baryshikov and going, 'Plie! Just do a plie! Do it! Do a releve right now! Lift my wife!'Collection: Memorable
There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, 'People--they'r e kinda like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in your garden.' My love goes with you.Collection: Crazy
The sort of liveliness which increases with age is not far distant from madness.Collection: Age
I want to do a movie, but it has to be the right movie, whether it's independent or a studio movie. I'm much more open to being a supporting actor. At the age of 60, I'll be second fiddle. Fine. I'm happy to do it.Collection: Independent
My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings.Collection: Children
Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.Collection: Men
You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!Collection: Running
I love doing live action movies, but there's a great job in doing animation, especially one with music.Collection: Jobs
Make your life spectacular, I know I did.Collection: Spectacular
We were romantics. We didn't just read poetry. We let it drip from our tongues like honey. Spirits soared. Women swooned, and gods were created, gentlemen. Not a bad way to spend an evening, eh?Collection: Gentleman
I used food to make myself feel better, but I felt worse when I ate.Collection: Feel Better
Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.Collection: Men
We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.Collection: Funny
It's frightening and exhilarating. It's like combat. Look at the metaphors: You kill when it works; you die when it doesn't.Collection: Looks
2020. There'll be cold fusion. We'll actually be able to power our cars with our own feces. That's right. The emissions problem will be a little intense, but just light a match.Collection: Light
Explore an idea until you've exhausted it, really go to all the different parameters of it.Collection: Ideas
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.Collection: Drinking
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.Collection: Sarcastic
Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your motherCollection: Mother
Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.Collection: Mean Girls
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.Collection: Men
To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.Collection: Fun
A woman wouldn't make a bomb that kills you. A woman would make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That's why there should be a woman President. There'd never be any wars, just every twenty-eight days there'd be very intense negotiations.Collection: War
If heaven exists, to know that there's laughs, that would be a great thing.Collection: Laughing
All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.Collection: Philosophy
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.Collection: Moon
Bicycles are pieces of art. You get that combination of kinetic engineering, but then, besides the welds, the paint jobs, the kind of the sculpture of it all is quite beautiful. Bikes have such great lines, and all different styles.Collection: Beautiful
I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.Collection: Years
I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, Do you mind if we take a break?Collection: Two
You look at the world and see how scary it can be sometimes and still try to deal with the fear. Comedy can deal with the fear and still not paralyze you or tell you that it's going away. You say, OK, you got certain choices here, you can laugh at them and then once you've laughed at them and you have expunged the demon, now you can deal with them. That's what I do when I do my act.Collection: Laughing
I don't practice anything. I spend time looking over ideas and then just get out and do it.Collection: Practice
You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.Collection: Insanity