Jeremy Clarkson
Column writing is like gas - it fills the available space.Collection: Space
If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth.Collection: Best
I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the 'Guardian' hating me. I like it when I read they want me to die painfully. Then I think I've really got under their skin. It's like annoying a teacher. Once they've shown signs of weakness, you really can go for them.Collection: Teacher
I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.Collection: Funny
Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don't, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.
I think people who watch 'Top Gear' think they're the only ones watching it, which I quite like, because it can hopefully last for a long time.
I dish the dirt out and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it?
The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a either black gay or a lesbian. Chalk and cheese, they reckon, works.
You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet. It's pointless.
I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.
When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It's not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I've never changed it. It's a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be.
I have a pathological terror of falling through ice. I nearly drowned once. I fell off a boat and got a cramp, and was rescued by an oil-rig diver, a great bear of a man who simply leant into the water and scooped me out with one finger.
The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian.
I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.
I read in the papers how much I'm earning and fall about laughing because I'm sure it's not that much; otherwise, I'd have an enormous boat. I'm literally not the slightest bit interested in money. I just don't pay any attention to money; it's rather vulgar.
We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an E. M. Forster novel.
If you're writing, it means getting up and writing all day, and if you're filming, it's getting up and filming all day. I get up, go to my computer, write, turn it off, and go to bed. That is a Clarkson day.
I have had an amazingly fortunate life. I'm a child from Yorkshire, which is sort of like Cleveland without the pretty bits.
Argentina and Burma. I have been to most of the countries in the world, but not those two. I want to shoot doves in Argentina. Burma, of course, because no one has really been there.
I dish the dirt out, and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it? In 20 years, I have taken any number of stories, most of which are not true, without a murmur of complaint. But some stories you have to draw the line and say No.
I've been told by the BBC that if I make one more offensive remark, anywhere, at any time, I will be sacked. And even the angel Gabriel would struggle to survive with that hanging over his head. It's inevitable that one day, someone, somewhere will say that I've offended them, and that will be that.
Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.Collection: Genius
Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.Collection: Love
Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.Collection: Ability
It’s what non-car people don’t get. They see all cars as just a ton and a half, two tons of wires, glass, metal, and rubber, and that’s all they see. People like you or I know we have an unshakable belief that cars are living entities… You can develop a relationship with a car and that’s what non-car people don’t get… When something has foibles and won’t handle properly, that gives it a particularly human quality because it makes mistakes, and that’s how you can build a relationship with a car that other people won’t get.Collection: Mistake
Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.Collection: Looks
I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.Collection: Cost
The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf HitlerCollection: Looks
I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?Collection: People
Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less.Collection: Cutting
A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.Collection: Top Gear
You're a car, but most of all, what you are, what you've become, is a mate. And that's what makes a car special. That's what makes a car great. You start to think of it as a person. You start to love it.Collection: Thinking
This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.Collection: Fun
This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying “Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”Collection: Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.Collection: Party
Change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in a day.Collection: Jobs
Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you're going.Collection: Important
Cows eat grass and silage. This is melting the ice caps and killing us all. So they need a new foodstuff: something that is rich in iron, calcium and natural goodness. Plainly they cannot eat meat so here is an idea to chew on. Why not feed them vegetarians?Collection: Ice
I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.Collection: Ferrari
The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!Collection: Democracy
The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestiteCollection: Sex
Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170 is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage. In front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.Collection: Beautiful
I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!Collection: Thinking
Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.Collection: Insomnia
We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.Collection: Oil
I'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.Collection: Sorry
You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.Collection: Girl
All this health and safety talk is just killing me.Collection: Safety
If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.Collection: Bmw
Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!Collection: Car