Jeremy Clarkson
There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!Collection: South
Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare.Collection: Yawning
[on the BMW X3] If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.Collection: Morning
I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.Collection: Believe
The "public" seems to have bought into this belief that life can, and should, be run without risk, that all accidents are avoidable, and that death is something that only happens to people who eat meat and smoke.Collection: Life
God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.Collection: World
Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal.Collection: Zoos
If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!Collection: Way
I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating tw*tCollection: Reading
Americans are good at herding Bison. The end.Collection: Bison
I love Alfa Romeos and that [Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio] was tremendous.Collection: Alfa Romeo
You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!Collection: Remember
The fact is that Britain is the most warlike nation on earth. In the history of armed combat, we are the only democracy to have declared war on another democracy - England versus Finland in the second world war, in case you're interested - and we're always at the front of the queue when Johnny Foreigner gets a bit uppity. Who stood up to the Kaiser? Who stood up to Adolf? And let's not forget the Argies. What other country would have sent its fleet halfway round the world and lost 250 men to protect a flock of sheep and some oil that might or might not be there? We're still at it.Collection: Country
Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?Collection: Education
I'm having a nice cold pint and waiting for this to blow over.Collection: Nice
I'm a horse of a man!Collection: Horse
Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.Collection: Running
Italy's youngsters complain, apparently, about having to live at home until they are 72 but that's because they spend all their money on suits and coffee and Alfa Romeos rather than mortgages.Collection: Coffee
...it seemed appropriate that I should develop some kind of illness. This is a good idea when you are at a loose end because everything, up to and including herpes, is better than being bored.Collection: Ideas
I mean its a weekly occurrence that somebody will complain that Top Gear was on last night - and you just sit back and wait for the complaints. But if you start to pay attention to everyones concerns, you end up with something bland and boring. So you sort of have to ignore everybody in order to do the show how we want to do it.Collection: Mean
Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!Collection: Eggs
I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.Collection: Gay
Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world.Collection: Running
Like many men, I can never find anything that I'm looking for, even when I'm actually looking at it. In a fridge, I think milk is actually invisible to the male eye. And so, it turns out, are dirty great holes in the fence.Collection: Dirty
No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.Collection: Car
She can take a year to read something, whereas I like a book that becomes more important in my life that life itself. When I was in the middle of 'Red Storm Rising' by Tom Clancy - which was not selected for the Man Booker shortlist - you could have taken my liver out and fed it to the dog. And I wouldn't have noticed.Collection: Dog
Does anyone really imagine for a moment that my wife gives two stuffs about global warming? She certainly did not appear to be all that bothered on Thursday evening when, during the great carbon-saving switch-off, I ran round the house furiously turning on every light, hair dryer, dishwasher and toaster.Collection: Light
Then there’s the biggest problem of them all – the problem of being in an Audi TT when you are not called Angela. I do not know why it can be driven by only people named Angela, but that’s a fact and there’s nothing we can do about it. If you have a TT and you aren’t called Angela, you have the wrong car.Collection: People
If I like somebody else's tribe I'm going to promote the hell out of it. The whole thing is a democracy, and if somebody's more popular then good luck to them.Collection: Good Luck
We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras.Collection: Country
If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.'Collection: Wall
They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away.Collection: Taken
There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.Collection: Moving
Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig.Collection: Night
Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.Collection: Trying
Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.Collection: Editing
My epiglottis is full of bees!Collection: Bees
The newest Ferrari of them all, the 458, the Italia. The GT3 was good, but nowhen near as good as this... almost nothing on Earth is as good as this... Set that something I've just told, involving Cameron Diaz... and some honey... then it comes that even that isn't as good as this.Collection: Ferrari
The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.Collection: Air
I think it's a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit.Collection: Cheer
That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.Collection: Orange
Like every big organisation these days, the BBC is obsessed with the wellbeing of those who set foot on its premises. Studios must display warning notices if there is real glass on the set, and the other day I was presented with a booklet explaining how to use a door. I am not kidding.Collection: Real
Let's be perfectly clear, shall we. The fox is not a little orange puppy dog with doe eyes and a waggly tail. It's a disease-ridden wolf with the morals of a psychopath and the teeth of a great white shark.Collection: Dog
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.Collection: Car
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.Collection: President
I wore a groove in the kitchen floor with endless trips to the fridge, hoping against hope that I had somehow missed a plateful of cold sausages on the previous 4,000 excursions. Then, for no obvious reason, I decided to buy a footstool.Collection: Bored
Selling through the internet seems to be a very good idea. There are a million areas that we can go to.Collection: Ideas