Dennis Miller
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"Collection: Mean
I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.Collection: Brain
The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don't see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments.Collection: Rights
I rant, therefore I amCollection: Funny
The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.Collection: Giving
It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.Collection: Home
That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.Collection: Football
Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.Collection: Groups
Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.Collection: Sports
I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.Collection: Country
I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.Collection: Football
The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.Collection: Football
The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.Collection: Islamic
How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?Collection: Suicide
Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!Collection: Football
Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.Collection: Political
Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?Collection: Hate
The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.Collection: Football
Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.Collection: Football
I'd rather be funny than wise.Collection: Inspirational
I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want to keep my nose out of other people's personal business. I guess I fall into conservative when it comes to protecting the United States in a world where a lot of people hate the United States.Collection: Hate
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.Collection: Jobs
It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he ends up there. Gary Condit make sense to me. He's away from his family, he's in D.C. - if he was a car dealer in the [San Fernando] Valley somewhere out there, he'd be the guy who was trying to get laid by offering you the free undercoating package.Collection: Party
The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world is Hitler. Bush is Hitler, Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler. The only guy who isn't Hitler is the foreign guy with a mustache dropping people who disagree with him into the wood chipper. He's not Hitler.Collection: People
I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.Collection: Football
I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.Collection: Sorry
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.Collection: Giving
That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?Collection: Football
Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?Collection: Football
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!Collection: Children
Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.Collection: Ideas
Childbirth is a wonderful thing, but the reality is that it can dramatically change a woman's body. SUI occurs when the vaginal wall weakens and cannot provide adequate support to the urethra, thus causing leaking. The good news is that women with SUI have many different treatment options available to them.Collection: Wall
Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff that it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the big macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.Collection: Real
Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!Collection: Football
Technology is fine. . ., but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.Collection: Technology
Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.Collection: Football
I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.Collection: War
Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.Collection: Thinking
I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!Collection: Starbucks
When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.Collection: Revenge
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.Collection: Book
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.Collection: Hot
I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right.Collection: Gay
I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.Collection: Son
Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.Collection: Foam
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.Collection: Men
Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?Collection: Circles
A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.Collection: Reality
I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.Collection: Used