Dennis Miller
For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.Collection: Funny
By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.Collection: Teacher
The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew.Collection: Father
In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.Collection: Addiction
Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonatorCollection: Politics
I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That's like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day.Collection: Gossip
Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.Collection: Dream
If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.Collection: Ice
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.Collection: Comedian
That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.Collection: Football
Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.Collection: Nuts
After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.Collection: Summer
Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.Collection: Quilts
Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did.Collection: Hate
Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.Collection: Husband
A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.Collection: Hands
America was founded by puritans and like it or not the anti-pleasure dogma of those buckled-shoed killjoys still pervades our collective unconscious like an I-max shot of Dennis Franz's naked hairy cop ass. Hence, anything enjoyable is automatically forbidden and bad and in our panic to avoid it at all cost we become obsessed with it... like dressing up in a pink teddy and a pair of ugboots and repeatedly screaming the word 'VERBOTEN!' into a conk shell balanced on the back on a miniature pony... Oh, I see.. That would just be me.Collection: America
But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smileCollection: Years
If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.Collection: Reality
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.Collection: Speech
Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.Collection: Children
Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.Collection: Football
What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?Collection: Fighting
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.Collection: Football
[The Internet] ... is an amazing communications tool that's bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world, in China, someone you've never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you're hearing.Collection: Communication
Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'Collection: Running
Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?Collection: War
Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.Collection: Thinking
When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.Collection: Football
If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.Collection: Would Be
Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.Collection: Football
I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song, you can't always get what you want, i.e., the grail. Sometimes you get what you need. And whatever she's gotten over the last couple of years, being humbled or be it being humbled and see the proletariat come to bat for her, getting outside of the bubble, getting out of this man's shadow, not quite getting the job she wants but a great wonk job.Collection: Song
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.Collection: Believe
Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.Collection: Funny Inspirational
Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.Collection: Death Penalty
The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep.Collection: Sex
When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.Collection: God
A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.'Collection: People
It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.Collection: Skin Color
I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.Collection: God
I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.Collection: Money
The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that 'Bush is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler.Collection: Guy
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.Collection: Funny
Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.Collection: Vegas
Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.Collection: Intelligent
In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.Collection: Weekend
The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.Collection: Jobs
We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.Collection: Sweet
Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in.Collection: Football