Dennis Miller
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.Collection: Jobs
The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.Collection: Country
And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."Collection: Mother
Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.Collection: Funny
Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.Collection: Football
We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.Collection: Sleep
If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billionCollection: Cost
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.Collection: Football
The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.Collection: Football
Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.Collection: Self Esteem
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?Collection: Abortion
After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.Collection: Marriage
Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents.Collection: Yule
Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi.Collection: Football
The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.Collection: Suicide
Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.Collection: Guilt
South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!Collection: Clothes
Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.Collection: People
The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should - that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics.Collection: Political
Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.Collection: People
Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."Collection: Trying
Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse.Collection: Children
The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do.Collection: Smart
I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you.Collection: Thinking
I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.Collection: Dog
When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.Collection: Mud
I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?Collection: Horny
It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.Collection: Nice
I've changed after 9/11. My friends are still my friends.Bill Maher is my friend. I don't agree with a lot of what he says. And there are times I think, "Oh, my God. How could he say that."Collection: Thinking
When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.Collection: Mother
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.Collection: Unbalanced
Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?Collection: Football
Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.Collection: Funny
Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.Collection: Country
We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.Collection: Laying Down
I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.Collection: Politics
There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.Collection: People
In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.Collection: Years
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.Collection: Reading
I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.Collection: Moving
I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.Collection: Giving
Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.Collection: Obamacare
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.Collection: Want
How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.Collection: God
I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.Collection: Country
Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy.Collection: Powerful
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.Collection: Government