Dane Cook
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.Collection: Powerful
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.Collection: Grandmother
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.Collection: Running
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.Collection: Differences
Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.Collection: Focus
I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.Collection: Laughing
I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.Collection: Self Worth
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.Collection: Funny
Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.Collection: Snacks
I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.Collection: Squad
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?Collection: Found Someone
How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.Collection: Fall
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye"!Collection: Eye
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.Collection: Suicide
We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'Collection: Break Through
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.Collection: Turkeys
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.Collection: Silly
I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.Collection: Kids
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?Collection: Rooms
I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.Collection: Feelings
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.Collection: Girl
I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.Collection: Thinking
The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.Collection: Directors
I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.Collection: Home
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!Collection: Enough Time
Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!Collection: Running
Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.Collection: Independent
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.Collection: Girl
My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.Collection: Jobs
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.Collection: Falling In Love
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.Collection: Thinking About You
Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?Collection: Fighting
I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.Collection: Not Giving Up
When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.Collection: Fun
You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.Collection: Stories
I’m curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.Collection: Stories
You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you’re probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.Collection: Strong