Bob Hope
Miniskirts have become quite a fad. They're even some guys wearing them. Don't laugh, if you had thought to of that, you'd not be here now.Collection: Laughing
Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?Collection: Home
I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.Collection: Funny
President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.Collection: Golf
Celebrities have a way of touching our lives. Perhaps we are influenced by their screen image, or perhaps by their acquired status. Here are some celebrity quotes about Christmas. You will find that just like everybody else, celebrities also enjoy the little pleasures of Christmas.Collection: Christmas
You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.Collection: Age
Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.Collection: Funny
Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me.Collection: War
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...Collection: Golf
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.Collection: Funny
Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America.Collection: America
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.Collection: Drinking
I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.Collection: Golf
It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing.Collection: One Line
Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.Collection: Real
Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends.Collection: Talking
I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.Collection: Men
I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.Collection: Funny
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.Collection: Funny
Television. That's where movies go when they die.Collection: Television
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.Collection: Successful
Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.Collection: Golf
Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.Collection: Hope
YOU CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME SO CONCENTRATE ON IT.Collection: Grandchildren
Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.Collection: Funny
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.Collection: Government
Please don't stand up on my account.Collection: One Line
It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.Collection: Funny
If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.Collection: Vietnam
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.Collection: Adversity
That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.Collection: Golf
I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.Collection: Hair
You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.Collection: Funny
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.Collection: War
I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.Collection: Government
Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.Collection: People
There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "Collection: Funny
Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.Collection: Funny
I've been married fifty-five years and I've been home three weeks.Collection: Marriage
When you get over 95, every day is your day.Collection: Get Over
My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.Collection: Funny
If they liked you, they didn't applaud -- they let you live.Collection: Ifs
In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.Collection: Funny
The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.Collection: Funny
I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.Collection: Funny
I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.Collection: Beautiful
I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.Collection: Giving Up
Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.Collection: Funny
Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday ... He would say, 'Keep it sweet and short and don't try to be funny.'Collection: Sweet