Andy Rooney
Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.Collection: Inspirational
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40 +, there is a balding, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.Collection: Breakup
There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?Collection: Cheating
I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.Collection: Believe
It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.Collection: Country
Finding the tool is often half the battle.Collection: Battle
Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.Collection: Sodium
Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.Collection: Being Positive
Art is a by-product of an honest and successful attempt to do something well.Collection: Art
By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortableCollection: Inspiration
It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.Collection: Two
In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.Collection: Learning
It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.Collection: Writing
Every one starts out being an atheist.Collection: Inspirational
Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.Collection: Rights
Person-to-person, most people are honest.Collection: Honesty
One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.Collection: Feelings
My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.Collection: Mother
I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.Collection: Writing
Numbers are the most certain things we have.Collection: Numbers
We can all be prouder to be human beings, because that's what they were. They make up for a lot of liars, cheats, and terrorists among us.Collection: Liars
My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.Collection: Character
Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.Collection: Mean
You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off.Collection: Keeping Your Mouth Shut
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.Collection: Food
Where some people may see loving grandparents, I see a pair of feckless boobs who can't drive, take way too long to shop, and don't even have the most basic grasps on the new technology. As a staunch supporter of the principles of Darwinism, I think that advances in modern medicine are starting to overrule the survival of the fittest, and it's to our [youngers'] detriment.Collection: Technology
We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time.Collection: Distance
We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare.Collection: Home
Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters--and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.Collection: Christian
The best thing about a vacation is planning it.Collection: Vacation
We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.Collection: Cousin
The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances.Collection: Numbers
I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.Collection: Mom
Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.Collection: Night
The one affectation I have forced on the publisher... are my apostrophe-free ellisions. Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell 'don't' with an apostrophe. I spell it 'dont'. We all know the word and it seems foolish to put in an extraneous apostrophe. Punctuation marks are devices we use to make the meaning of sentences clear. There is nothing confusing about a word like 'dont' printed without an apostrophe to indicate an omitted letter.Collection: Writing
Ugly is very popular this year...I had a feeling these clothes were deigned by someone who didn't like women.Collection: Years
I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.Collection: Atheist
Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.Collection: Atheist
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.Collection: Book
In Washington, a confidential assistant is someone who, if you don't want to know something, you go and ask him and he won't tell you.Collection: Government
Soap, like people, shouldn't smell like anything.Collection: Smell
Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won't matter.Collection: Hard Work
Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.Collection: Food
I am an atheist... I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense.Collection: Atheist
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.Collection: Baby
Great teachers are usually a little crazy.Collection: Teacher
Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.Collection: Happiness