Andy Rooney
Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.Collection: Computers
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.Collection: Pet
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.Collection: Food
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.Collection: Computers
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.Collection: Christmas
The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.Collection: Business
Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.Collection: Happiness
The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.Collection: Sad
People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.Collection: Truth
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.Collection: Chance
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.Collection: Technology
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.Collection: Respect
Death is a distant rumor to the young.Collection: Death
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.Collection: Smile
Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.Collection: Teacher
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.
Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.
We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.
The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
A writer's job is to tell the truth.
Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.
The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.
We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.
The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.
Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next year and we'll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.
I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.
Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.
I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... MoreCollection: Hurt
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.Collection: Sweet
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!Collection: Women