Andy Borowitz
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.Collection: Gun
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.Collection: Funny
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.Collection: Funny
The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.Collection: Funny
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.Collection: Funny
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.Collection: Funny
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.Collection: Country
If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.Collection: Party
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.Collection: Funny
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.Collection: Funny
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.Collection: Funny
The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.Collection: War
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.Collection: Witty
The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.Collection: Real
If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.Collection: Writing
Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.Collection: Gun
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.Collection: Ideas
Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.Collection: Earthquakes
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.Collection: War
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.Collection: Funny
A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.Collection: Dog
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.Collection: Baby
Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.Collection: Dumb
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.Collection: Funny Life
US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.Collection: Cash
The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.Collection: Funny
You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.Collection: Christmas
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'Collection: Funny
If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects themCollection: Funny Friend
John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.Collection: Men
White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.Collection: White
It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.Collection: Sweaters
The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.Collection: Years
Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.Collection: School
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.Collection: Birthday
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.Collection: Funny
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.Collection: Funny Christmas
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.Collection: Funny
Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.Collection: Garden
We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.Collection: Gps
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"Collection: Funny
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.Collection: Funny
To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.Collection: Republican
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.Collection: Funny
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.Collection: Funny
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.Collection: Believe
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.Collection: Funny
I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.Collection: Care
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.Collection: Funny Christmas
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.Collection: Christmas