Joe E. Lewis
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.Collection: Funny
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.Collection: Money
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.Collection: Diet
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.Collection: Funny
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.Collection: Sports
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.Collection: Money
I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.Collection: Drink
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.Collection: Life
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.Collection: Funny
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.Collection: Men
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.Collection: Drinking
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.Collection: Funny
I always wake up at the crack of ice.Collection: Drinking
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.Collection: Men
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.Collection: Funny
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.Collection: Glasses
I drink to forget I drink.Collection: Drinking
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!Collection: Horse
It pays to get drunk with the best people.Collection: People
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.Collection: Girl
I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.Collection: Drinking
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.Collection: Men
We can afford almost any mistake once.Collection: Mistake
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.Collection: Alcohol
Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.Collection: Baseball
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.Collection: Funny
Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.Collection: Money
I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.Collection: Gambling
I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.Collection: Mother
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.Collection: Taken
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.Collection: Time