Zach Braff
Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift.Collection: Thinking
I mean, I understand that because they're disadvantaged that they deserve their own parking spots, but do they have to make them so wide? I never understood how these people were allowed to drive cars but they get these really neat chairs with wheels and they're still not happy, so instead of parking their wheelchairs in the designated spots, they upstage us normal people and get the best parking spots with vehicles that are clearly too sophisticated for them to be handling. Still, you should smile at a cripple, because it's the only bit of happiness they'll ever have.Collection: Mean
Working on 'Scrubs' made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of just playing one, I could probably have found a cure to cancer within five years.Collection: Cancer
I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?Collection: Mean
I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fudge her, then you already know she's a liar. So what the hell's the point of a trial, y'know?Collection: Liars
Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.Collection: Kids
I think a big part of being a success is confidence. Just look at me, I know I'm successful, and I am.Collection: Successful
I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?Collection: Why Not
I think they're bogus, honestly. How utter garbage like Crash and Million Dollar Baby can win best picture, where true works of art such as Garden State go untouched is beyond me. It just proves how close-minded America really is, and I refuse to take part in it.Collection: Baby
I like to drop in on people who picked on me in high school or whatever, just out of the blue, and chat with them to see how they think of me now that I'm a big star. Usually they're a lot nicer. After about half an hour, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and leave a few DVDs or pictures there. Then when I come out, I say good-bye and leave. Then I call the cops.Collection: Stars
It's always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone's looking to me for guidance.Collection: White
Dude, writing, acting and directing are such easy jobs. But to do them all as awesomely as Zach Braff does, well that... that's something.Collection: Jobs
You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors.Collection: Character
Whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children's hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know?Collection: Children
I mean, nobody's ever thrown a big rock at me or my friends, but we're all pretty tough guys and could probably handle it.Collection: Mean
Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.Collection: Nike
Every single person wants to do it, don't hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart!Collection: Hate
I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help matters.Collection: Gob
It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendmentCollection: Amendments
It was really starting to get pathetic, everyday they would come in looking for one thing or another. 'Zach, can you give me some acting tips?' 'Zach, will you let me blow you?' 'Can I have some cash?' That's when I made the call, that's when I decided seven was enoughCollection: Blow
I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.Collection: Guy
Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenterCollection: Jesus
It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.Collection: People
I never go looking for child pornography, but I mean, if somebody sends me an email with some pictures, I'm not going to turn around and report them.Collection: Children
I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves.Collection: Mean
My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.Collection: Cancer
If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.Collection: Dark
I think the saddest moments in life have humor in them. I have a memory of coming home from a funeral with my family in the back of a limousine and someone cracking a joke and us just hysterically belly laughing. It's how we always dealt with tragedy in our lives and I think it's such a healthy way to deal with sadness.Collection: Memories
I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.Collection: Thinking
I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning.Collection: Dream
Well, I've thought about donating, but they get so many damn donations already. I read about one foundation that raised over 100 million dollars. Well where the hell did that go? For all I know every starving child has a 2 story house by now. Or maybe they're all raging alcoholics, like homeless people. Homeless people who are more effective when it comes to raising money. Who wants to support alcoholic children? Not me.Collection: Children
I think slavery was an awful, awful period in our history, but when I look at what's become of black culture since emancipation, I think you have to admit, maybe the Confederacy was on to somethingCollection: Thinking
It's trust issue more than anything. I mean, whats stopping them from teaming up, dressing up like a really tall person in a trenchcoat, and then BAM. They sneak out with all your furnitureCollection: Mean
The thing about all these charities is that who sees where the money goes? I don't and you don't. For all I know, the president of Make a Wish just used all the money to buy himself a mansion and a yacht. That's why I keep all of my money for myself, at least then I know I'm doing good for at least one person for sure.Collection: Wish
I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.Collection: Distance
I'm a big proponent of 'Don't Ask, Don't tell,' in fact, I enforce it strictly on all of my dates. First, I don't ask them for sex, and then I warn them not to tell anyone after I'm through.Collection: Sex
Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn't say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn't the one who got shot.Collection: Running
They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I'm above the rules because I put up with that for seven years.Collection: Animal
If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!Collection: Mean
Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake.Collection: Names
I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he?Collection: Voice
People ask me, 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing on earth better than being famous.Collection: People
If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.Collection: Global Warming
It's not that George Bush doesn't care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can't swim.Collection: People
I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.Collection: Hate
I'm really not one to brag, but I think my job is one of the most important things someone can do with their life. I mean, it really gives people a chance to live outside their means through someone else's vision. And I think that's something really great that I can give back to the community. Sure I could be a doctor or a lawyer, but do they really help anyone? Sure you can save someone's life, but can you really change it for the better? I'm not saying their jobs aren't important, just not as important as mine.Collection: Jobs
It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.Collection: Genius
I can't say I agree with something that takes the focus away from me.Collection: Focus
The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.Collection: Rating