Zach Braff
I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.Collection: Generations
Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.Collection: Body
Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.Collection: Pride
It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know.Collection: Thinking
Of course killing people is 'wrong', but I think history shows that sometimes it serves the greater good.Collection: Thinking
Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.Collection: Winning
I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don't break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.Collection: Morning
I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.Collection: Sorry
I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.Collection: Baby
Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there.Collection: People
Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities.Collection: Use
I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?Collection: Real
Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.Collection: Children
I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.Collection: Mom
I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.Collection: Daughter
A lot of people say colonialism was 'evil' or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don't think it should be considered 'racist' to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa.Collection: Thinking
I remember once I went to go see a movie, and in front of me in line there was a little boy who looked so eager to see it, like it was Christmas morning. When he got to the ticket booth it turned out there was only one ticket left; the manager was there and wanted to give it to me instead since I was famous. That's when I knew I'd hit it big.Collection: Morning
I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.Collection: Holiday
When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me?Collection: Real
I said, I'm on this TV show and I love doing it, but I don't want to be known always as the silly "Scrubs" guy... So part of me was like, You know what? Life's short. Let's go for it.Collection: Silly
I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.Collection: Mean
I'm 26 years old, and I've spent my whole life waiting for something else to start. Now I realize that this is all there is, and I'm going to try to live my life like that.Collection: Years
They don't know I'm staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?Collection: Doe
I find my movie props in my neighbors houses.Collection: House
I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage?Collection: War
My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning.Collection: Morning
I don't like the term 'black people', I find it demeaning to those of us that actually qualify as 'people'.Collection: People
My job as an actor has inspired generations of children to become doctors. My job as a writer has opened up the minds of millions. My job as a director has produced masterpieces that will be taught in film school for ages.Collection: Jobs
People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.Collection: Running
Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something.Collection: Men
If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.Collection: Blue
The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the same as hitting your employee or wife, and the issue become pretty clear when you think about it that way.Collection: Kids
I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?Collection: Men
The Jews are just clumsy bakers.Collection: Bakers
Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.Collection: Saving
The fact that 'Scrubs' is so popular in Israel is very important to me. I feel like I'm helping to cancel out the thousands of years of oppression the Jewish people have suffered.Collection: Israel
I've never had much sympathy for orphans, I mean, when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuffCollection: Mean
After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitaminsCollection: People
Now, I'm not going to be misquoted on this like I have numerous times before, so I'll be quite clear. I've never said hitler was my hero, just that if he had focused on more than one race he would have had the right idea. Try to turn that one against me.Collection: Hero
My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.Collection: Dog
I think we have to acknowledge that people are different and succeed at different things, first of all. Men are better than women at some professions like firefighting, construction work, and physics. But women are better than men at some professions, too, like elementary teaching, prostitution, and giving birth. Who's to say which is more important?Collection: Teaching
Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.Collection: Mirrors
People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example.Collection: Mistake
People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?Collection: Garden
People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff.Collection: Mother
I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what, maybe 1.50 a gallon?Collection: Mean
I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.Collection: Mean
They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.Collection: Guy
It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.Collection: Half