Steven Wright
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.Collection: Funny
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"Collection: Funny
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.Collection: Dog
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.Collection: Funny
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.Collection: Funny
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.Collection: Funny
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.Collection: Confused
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"Collection: Funny
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.Collection: Funny
I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.Collection: Photography
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.Collection: Mirrors
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.Collection: Funny
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.Collection: Funny
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.Collection: Doors
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.Collection: Funny
Sometimes I... No, I don't.Collection: Funny
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."Collection: Funny
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.Collection: Funny
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.Collection: Funny
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?Collection: Funny
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.Collection: Funny
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.Collection: Drug
A metaphor is like a simile.Collection: Humor
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.Collection: Funny
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?Collection: Funny
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.Collection: Insightful
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.Collection: Food
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.Collection: Funny
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.Collection: Funny
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.Collection: Cat
I had amnesia once or twice.Collection: Amnesia
It's a fine night to have an evening.Collection: Funny
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.Collection: Funny
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."Collection: Funny
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.Collection: Funny
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?Collection: Funny
Do fish get cramps after eating?Collection: Funny
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.Collection: Funny
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.Collection: Car
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?Collection: Hands
Half the people you know are below average.Collection: Funny
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.Collection: Funny
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.Collection: Funny
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?Collection: Country
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?Collection: Funny
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.Collection: Depression
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'Collection: Funny
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.Collection: Funny
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?Collection: Funny