Steven Wright
The speed of time is one second per second.Collection: Funny
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.Collection: Hitchhiking
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.Collection: People
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.Collection: Success
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.Collection: Funny
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?Collection: Funny
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.Collection: Dog
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."Collection: Funny
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.Collection: Funny
Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.Collection: Language
What do batteries run on?Collection: Running
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.Collection: Funny
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.Collection: Funny
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.Collection: Funny
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.Collection: Funny
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."Collection: Funny
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.Collection: Funny
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.Collection: Hours
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.Collection: Funny
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."Collection: Funny
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.Collection: Funny
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.Collection: Funny
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.Collection: Funny
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.Collection: Narrators
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.Collection: Years
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?Collection: Funny
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'Collection: Feet
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.Collection: Funny
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.Collection: Funny
I was an only child, eventually.Collection: Funny
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.Collection: Funny
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."Collection: Funny
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?Collection: Hockey
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.Collection: Funny
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.Collection: Sarcastic
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.Collection: Fighting
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oopsCollection: Home
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.Collection: Home
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"Collection: Funny
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.Collection: Funny
I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".Collection: Funny
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.Collection: Dog
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.Collection: Funny
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."Collection: Funny
I took a baby shower.Collection: Funny
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.Collection: Laughing
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.Collection: Funny
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.Collection: Funny
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.Collection: Funny