Steven Wright
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.Collection: Funny
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.Collection: Funny
Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.Collection: Moving
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.Collection: Funny
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'emCollection: Women
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.Collection: Funny
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."Collection: Funny
I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.Collection: Dog
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.Collection: Dream
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.Collection: Funny
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.Collection: Funny
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."Collection: Funny
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.Collection: Funny
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.Collection: Keys
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.Collection: Funny
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.Collection: Funny
Does fuzzy logic tickle?Collection: Fuzzy
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.Collection: Funny
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.Collection: Funny
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."Collection: Funny
Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.Collection: Children
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.Collection: Funny
For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]Collection: Running
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.Collection: Funny
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?Collection: Funny
I just lost a buttonhole.Collection: Lost
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?Collection: Funny
My father was a small claims court jester.Collection: Funny
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.Collection: Tree
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.Collection: Doctors
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.Collection: Tired
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hellCollection: Home
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.Collection: Humor
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.Collection: Funny
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?Collection: Reflection
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.Collection: Funny
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?Collection: Funny
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?Collection: Funny
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?Collection: Funny
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.Collection: Funny
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?Collection: Chess
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?Collection: Funny
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?Collection: Funny
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?Collection: Funny
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Collection: Funny
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".Collection: Funny
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?Collection: Funny
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?Collection: Funny
Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?Collection: Australia