Steven Wright
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!Collection: Trust
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.Collection: Funny
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"Collection: Moving
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.Collection: Funny
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.Collection: Funny
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.Collection: Naked
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.Collection: Funny
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.Collection: Thinking
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.Collection: Snakes
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.Collection: Funny
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.Collection: Funny
Is 'tired old cliché' one?Collection: Tired
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.Collection: Funny
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.Collection: Science
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.Collection: Funny
I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.Collection: Dog
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.Collection: Funny
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.Collection: Summer
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.Collection: Funny
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.Collection: Friendship
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.Collection: Imagine
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?Collection: Funny
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.Collection: Father
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.Collection: Wings
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.Collection: Funny
I'm a peripheral visionary.Collection: Vision
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"Collection: Funny
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?Collection: Hawaii
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?Collection: Funny
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.Collection: Funny
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.Collection: Death
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?Collection: Funny
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?Collection: Funny
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?Collection: Funny
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.Collection: Mind
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?Collection: Funny
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Collection: Funny
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?Collection: Cat
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.Collection: Funny
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.Collection: Funny
Clones are people two.Collection: Funny
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!Collection: Laughing
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?Collection: Funny
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot themCollection: Funny
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.Collection: Children
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?Collection: Animal
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.Collection: Zebras
I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.Collection: Funny
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.Collection: Funny