Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.Collection: Funny
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?Collection: Funny
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?Collection: Funny
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.Collection: Funny
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.Collection: Funny
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?Collection: Killing
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.Collection: Funny
A fool and his money are soon partying.Collection: Funny
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?Collection: Funny
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?Collection: Funny
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.Collection: Funny
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.Collection: Birth
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?Collection: Funny
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.Collection: Funny
How can there be self-help groups?Collection: Self
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?Collection: Funny
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.Collection: Land
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?Collection: Honor
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'Collection: Funny
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>Collection: Voice
Because I don't believe everything I read.Collection: Believe
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.Collection: Funny
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.Collection: Funny
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.Collection: Funny
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.Collection: Reading
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.Collection: Funny
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.Collection: Kindness
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."Collection: Funny
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.Collection: Funny
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.Collection: Funny
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."Collection: Funny
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.Collection: Years
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.Collection: Funny
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.Collection: Funny
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.Collection: Tired
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.Collection: Funny
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything todaCollection: Funny
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".Collection: Morning
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."Collection: Funny
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?Collection: Funny
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.Collection: Funny
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.Collection: Funny
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?Collection: Laughter
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.Collection: Hilarious
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.Collection: About Writing
I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.Collection: Firsts
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.Collection: Firsts
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.Collection: Fun
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.Collection: Real