P. G. Wodehouse
Many a man may look respectable, and yet be able to hide at will behind a spiral staircase.Collection: Men
I don't know if you know it, J.B., but you're the sort of fellow who causes hundreds to fall under suspicion when he's found stabbed in his library with a paper-knife of Oriental design.Collection: Fall
In his normal state he would not strike a lamb. I’ve known him to do it’ ‘Do what?’ ‘Not strike lambsCollection: Lambs
There was a sound in the background like a distant sheep coughing gently on a mountainside. Jeeves sailing into action.Collection: Sheep
No one so dislikes being punished unjustly as the person who might have been punished justly on scores of previous occasions, if he had only been found out.Collection: Might
There's too much of that where-every-prospect-pleases-and-only-man-is-vile stuff buzzing around for my taste.Collection: Men
As a child of eight Mr. Trout had once kissed a girl of six under the mistletoe at a Christmas party, but there his sex life had come to abrupt halt.Collection: Girl
It was a silver cow. But when I say 'cow', don't go running away with the idea of some decent, self-respecting cudster such as you may observe loading grass into itself in the nearest meadow. This was a sinister, leering, Underworld sort of animal, the kind that would spit out of the side of its mouth for twopence.Collection: Running
Woman is the unfathomable, incalculable mystery, the problem we men can never hope to solve.Collection: Men
I go in for what is known in the trade as 'light writing' and those who do that - humorists they are sometimes called - are looked down upon by the intelligentsia and sneered at.Collection: Writing
Statisticians estimate that crime among good golfers is lower than in any class of the community except possibly bishops.Collection: Class
In every romance you have to budget for the occasional dust-up.Collection: Dust
...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this: "He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.Collection: Tombstone
The brains of members of the Press departments of motion-picture studios resemble soup at a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.Collection: Brain
I believe there are two ways of writing novels. One is mine, making a sort of musical comedy without music and ignoring real life altogether; the other is going right deep down into life and not caring a damn.Collection: Real
Just another proof, of course, of what I often say - it takes all sorts to make a world.Collection: World
A roll and butter and a small coffee seemed the only things on the list that hadn't been specially prepared by the nastier-minded members of the Borgia family for people they had a particular grudge against, so I chose them.Collection: Coffee
There was the man who seemed to be attempting to decieve his ball and lull it into a false sense of security by looking away from it and then making a lightning slash in the apparent hope of catching it off its guard.Collection: Golf
The spine, and I do not attempt to conceal the fact, had become soluble, in the last degree.Collection: Degrees
It's curious how, when you're in love, you yearn to go about doing acts of kindness to everybody.Collection: Kindness
You are falling into your old error, Jeeves, of thinking that Gussie is a parrot. Fight against this. I shall add the oz.Collection: Fall
What ho!" I said. "What ho!" said Motty. "What ho! What ho!" "What ho! What ho! What ho!" After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.Collection: Goes On
The storm is over, there is sunlight in my heart. I have a glass of wine and sit thinking of what has passed.Collection: Heart
...there was practically one handwriting common to the whole school when it came to writing lines. It resembled the movements of a fly that had fallen into an ink-pot, and subsequently taken a little brisk exercise on a sheet of foolscap by way of restoring the circulation.Collection: Taken
Employers are like horses — they require management.Collection: Horse
Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.Collection: Food
I mean, imagine how some unfortunate Master Criminal would feel, on coming down to do a murder at the old Grange, if he found that not only was Sherlock Holmes putting in the weekend there, but Hercule Poirot, as well." ~ Bertram "Bertie" WoosterCollection: Mean
You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.Collection: Enjoy
I hadn't the heart to touch my breakfast. I told Jeeves to drink it himself.Collection: Heart
As a rule, from what I've observed, the American Captain of Industry doesn't do anything out of business hours. When he has put the cat out and locked up the office for the night, he just relapses into a state of coma from which he emerges only to start being a Captain of Industry again.Collection: Cat
So always look for the silver lining And try to find the sunny side of life.Collection: Optimistic
I expect I shall feel better after tea.Collection: Feel Better
You probably think that being a guest in your aunt's house I would hesitate to butter you all over the front lawn and dance on the fragments in hobnailed boots, but you are mistaken. It would be a genuine pleasure. By an odd coincidence I brought a pair of hobnailed boots with me!' So saying, and recognising a good exit line when he saw one, he strode out, and after an interval of tense meditation I followed him. (Spode to Wooster)Collection: Aunt
I marmaladed a slice of toast with something of a flourish and I don't suppose I have ever come much closer to saying 'Tra la la' as I did the lathering for I was feeling in mid season form this morning.Collection: Morning
Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black moustache.Collection: Boys
I laughed derisively. "For goodness' sake, don't start gargling now. This is serious." "I was laughing." "Oh, were you? Well, I'm glad to see you taking it in this merry spirit." "Derisively," I explained.Collection: Laughing
The test of a great golfer is his ability to recover from a bad start.Collection: Golf
Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.Collection: Mirrors
The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.Collection: Ideas
She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn't steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape.Collection: Long
Confidence, of course is an admirable asset to a golfer, but it should be an unspoken confidence. It is perilous to put it into speech. The gods of golf lie in wait to chasten the presumptious.Collection: Lying
...with each new book of mine I have always the feeling that this time I have picked a lemon in the garden of literature.Collection: Book
[I'm] as broke as the ten commandments.Collection: Broke
She looked like something that might have occured to Ibsen in one of his less frivolous moments.Collection: Might
Do you ever get moods when life seems absolutely meaningless? It's like a badly-constructed story, with all sorts of characters moving in and out who have nothing to do with the plot. And when somebody comes along that you think really has something to do with the plot, he suddenly drops out. After a while you begin to wonder what the story is about, and you feel that it's about nothing—just a jumble.Collection: Moving
It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.Collection: Funny
It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time.Collection: Dog
It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.Collection: Sunshine
From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so far, so it begins to look as though, unless I suddenly hit mid-season form in my eighties, humanity will remain a message short.Collection: Years