Josh Billings
[Science is] the literature of truth.Collection: Science
Error will slip through a crack, while truth will stick in a doorway.Collection: Errors
Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blasted concern; put a Yankee in, and he would see where he could alter it to advantage; put an Irishman in, and he would want to boss the thing; put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed to plant it.Collection: Garden
As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.Collection: Winning
What the world wants iz [sic] good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves.Collection: Advice
Don't have any more secrets than you can keep yourself.Collection: Secret
Man isn't a fool for his ignorance, but rather for believing things that are wrong.Collection: Believe
The very thing that men think they have got the most of, they have got the least of; and that is judgment.Collection: Men
Don't put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today.Collection: Work
You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.Collection: Funny
Prejudice assumes the garb of reason, but the cheat is too thin.Collection: Prejudice
When a man makes up his mind to become a rascal, he should examine himself closely and see if he isn't better constructed for a fool.Collection: Men
A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay.Collection: Poor
Lying is like trying to hide in a fog: If you move about you're in danger of bumping your head against the truth, and as soon as the fog blows off, you are gone anyhow.Collection: Lying
The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.Collection: Funny
Debt is a trap which man sets and baits himself, and then deliberately gets into.Collection: Men
When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes.Collection: Sarcastic
Nature makes all the noblemen; wealth, education, or pedigree never made one yet.Collection: Noblemen
A good reliable set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains.Collection: Men
Everybody in this world wants watching, but nobody more than ourselves.Collection: World
Unless we put heart and soul into our labor we but brutify our actions.Collection: Work
Pity cost nothing and ain't worth nothing.Collection: Cost
Pyrotechnically considered, [laughing] is the fire-works of the soul.Collection: Fire
Wisdom that don't make us happier ain't worth plowing for.Collection: Plowing
There is gravity in wisdom, but no particular wisdom in gravity.Collection: Gravity
Society is composed of slow Christians and wide-awake sinners.Collection: Christian
The dog that will follow everbody ain't worth a curse.Collection: Dog
Most everyone seems willing to be a fool himself, but he can't bear to have anyone else one.Collection: Hypocrisy
Waves are inspiring not because they rise and fail, but because each time they fall. They never fail to rise again.Collection: Fall
Habits are like the wrinkles on a man's brow; if you will smooth out the one, I will smooth out the other.Collection: Men
Sekts and creeds ov religion, are like pocket compesses, good enuff tu pinte out the direction, but the nearer the pole yu git thewuss tha wurk.Collection: Pockets
Stupidity,--unconscious ignorance.Collection: Ignorance
When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested.Collection: Happiness
It ain't because lovers are so sensitive that they quarrel so often; it is because there is so much fun n the making up.Collection: Best Love
Vanity is a strange passion; rather than be out of a job it will brag of its vices.Collection: Jobs
There is no limit to the vanity of this world. Each spoke in the wheel thinks the whole strength of the wheel depends upon it.Collection: Thinking
And now the lads and lasses, following the example of the birds, bill and coo together.Collection: Bird
Truth is the edict of God.Collection: Truth
You cannot analyze a kiss any more than you can dissect the fragrance of flowers.Collection: Flower
Rumor is a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it can pick up.Collection: Home
Thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel just, But four times he who gets his blow in fustCollection: Time
Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into.Collection: Running
Dr. Holmes says, both wittily and truly, that crying widows are easiest consoled.Collection: Grief
Theres not a lot of good humor in medicine, but theres a lot of medicine in good humor.Collection: Medicine
There's one good thing about tight shoes; they make you forget your other troubles.Collection: Shoes
There’s a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven’t the time to enjoy it.Collection: Fitness
The less we know the more we suspect.Collection: Reading
It ain’t because lovers are so sensitive that they quarrel so often; it is because there is so much fun n the making up.Collection: Fun