John Cleese
I can't tell you how scary it can be walking onto a movie and suddenly joining this family - it's like going to somebody else's Christmas dinner; everyone knows everyone and you're not quite sure what you're supposed to sit.Collection: Christmas
Other people, you know, put a latex rubber on, you know, to become sexually excited. There's so much I don't understand.Collection: People
Would you take a billion dollars, if as part of the deal the Earth were made uninhabitable a year after your death? ... well, of course not; you care about your friends, above all your children, any grandchildren. But ... what if the deal calls for the planet to be poisoned a thousand years later? We feel strong obligations to generations in the near future - should we not feel the same way about our children's great-grandchildren and generations beyond them?Collection: Strong
years ago we would have been burned for this. Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced.Collection: Funny
You have to create boundaries of space and then you have to create boundaries of time.Collection: Inspirational
My hovercraft is full of eels.Collection: Eels
It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctorCollection: Sarcastic
It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.Collection: Despair
Bureaucrats shouldn't be in charge of comedy.Collection: Comedy
When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play as well.Collection: Funny
I find the Alexander Technique very helpful in my work. Things happen without you trying. They get to be light and relaxed. You must get an Alexander teacher to show it to you.Collection: Teacher
A lot of humour is about just enjoying life and spontaneity and because you make a joke that puts somebody down - we're always teasing each other. It's with affection. It's nasty teasing that we - not all teasing; nasty teasing you cut out.Collection: Cutting
I'm struck by how laughter connects you with people. It's almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you're just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy.Collection: Laughter
As Daniel Levitin writes, our brain is a "giant pattern detector." If we read something that coincides with what we already believe we're more likely to give it credence, while the opposite is not true.Collection: Believe
I was a terrible dancer. I dance like an Englishman.Collection: Dancer
You go in and meet the head of BBC One and get an assurance about not dumbing down. And then, of course a few months later, he's been replaced by someone you haven't met.Collection: Down And
Basil Fawlty was an easy character for me. For some reason, portraying a mean, uptight, incompetent bully comes naturally to me.Collection: Character
Tension is wonderful for making people laugh.Collection: Writing
Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.Collection: Christmas
I've always found life quite difficult to explain to people or to myself.Collection: People
Give your mind as long as possible to come up with something original.Collection: Long
Loving your neighbour as much as yourself is practically bloody impossible? You might as well have a commandment that states,'Thou shalt fly'.Collection: Loving You
If you wish to kill yourself but lack the courage to, I think a visit to Palmerston North will do the trick.Collection: Thinking
To be creative you must create a space for yourself where you can be undisturbed... separate from everyday concerns.Collection: Being Alone
I don't want to have to start being unselfish again. The great thing about being on your own is you do what you damned well like.Collection: Want
When I was in school, I was beaten every 30 minutes. It never did me any harm except for some psychological mal-adjustments and blurred vision.Collection: School
I don't understand why very, very rich people want to have even more money than they've already got.Collection: People
The Americans are so much more positive. They are much more in love with success. In Britain, they're a fairly envious bunch, and they love it if you fail.Collection: Failing
I can never do better than 'Fawlty Towers,' whatever I do. Now I very much want to teach young talent some rules of the game.Collection: Games
When I was a child and I was upset about something, my mother was not capable of containing that emotion, of letting me be upset but reassuring me, of just being with me in a calming way. She always got in a flap, so I not only had my own baby panics, fears and terrors to deal with, but I had to cope with hers, too. Eventually I taught myself to remain calm when I was panicked, in order not to upset her. In a way, she had managed to put me in charge of her. At 18 months old, I was doing the parenting.Collection: Mother
The Americans are just more enthusiastic and more likely to engage in hyperbole.Collection: Enthusiastic
A man will give up almost anything except his suffering.Collection: Giving Up
The real religion is about the understanding that if we can only still our egos for a few seconds, we might have a chance of experiencing something that is divine in nature. But in order to do that, we have to slice away at our egos and try to get them down to a manageable size, and then still work some practiced light meditation. So real religion is about reducing our egos, whereas all the churches are interested in is egotistical activities, like getting as many members and raising as much money and becoming as important and high-profile and influential as possible.Collection: Real
I think that I feel an indignation when I don't understand something.Collection: Thinking
We need to be in the open mode when we are pondering a problem, but, once we come up with a solution, we must then switch to the closed mode to implement it.Collection: Needs
Either people walk round dressed as chickens or they listen to Beethoven.Collection: People
I have a tendency sometimes to get too logical with what I'm writing, just because I want it to be kind of perfect.Collection: Writing
I can certainly see that you know your wine. Most of the guests who stay here wouldn't know the difference between Bordeaux and Claret.Collection: Wine
I wish you wusses would stop whining about your unhappiness. I'm really fed up with it. Pour yourself a scotch and pull yourself together. Go out and shoot something!Collection: Wish
How to defend yourself against a bananaCollection: Bananas
Your Mother was A Hamster and you Father Smelled of elder berries.Collection: Mother
I started to make harder jokes before anyone else did. And the producers would get anxious. They'd say, 'That's a little bit hard-edged, isn't it?' And I'd say, 'Let's just try it and see how the audience reacts. If they don't like it, let's cut it out.' And the audience roared with laughter, so I learned you could do this harder humor and people loved it.Collection: Laughter
I could take an umbrella and balance it on my chin or on my foot. And I just got interested in that kind of thing. And as I played games more and more and got stronger physically, I just became more coordinated.Collection: Feet
That's a lovely experience when you make an audience laugh. Then the nerves go away for a bit. And sometimes you do things then that you've never done before that are really funny.Collection: Laughing
Nerves are always a big problem for me, which is why I loved doing American sitcoms. Because you know when you do the take in front of the audience that you're going to do it again afterwards. A minute after you finish, you just go and do it again. So, there's that sort of safety net. And then if you made a little mistake or two, they'll go pick it up, so there's nothing to worry about.Collection: Mistake
The great thing about Florida is you - each city's about two hours' drive from everywhere else.Collection: Florida
I've always called myself a writer/performer, not an actor because I basically write what I perform.Collection: Writing
British press think entirely in clichés, and when they do come across creative work, they think that it must be based on something, because they don't realize that you can create things that aren't based on things.Collection: Thinking
The British fans are liable to suddenly be talking to you about something that you don't know how you got into the conversation. I think it's something to do with the fact that they've been watching you for so many years sort of you telling your story.Collection: Thinking