Jay Leno
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."Collection: Funny
I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.Collection: Thinking
Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.Collection: Cnn
The White House is defending President Obama's sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.Collection: Sports
When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States.Collection: Reality
How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?Collection: Government
I'm glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it's safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.Collection: Thinking
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?Collection: Dog
A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.Collection: Men
Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help.Collection: Sex
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.Collection: War
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.Collection: Funny
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they're doing a good job.Collection: Jobs
According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men.Collection: Sex
Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.Collection: Lying
Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.Collection: Government
Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.Collection: War
Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.Collection: Men
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention.Collection: Fda
It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It's not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it's all the walking around you do trying to find your car.Collection: Wine
The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.Collection: New York
We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?Collection: America
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.Collection: Country
Major heat wave in India - 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to hear if their job is being outsourced to India.Collection: Jobs
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart StreetCollection: Funny
President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?Collection: Political
I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election.Collection: Discovery
John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.Collection: Kids
Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really - how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?Collection: Wall
Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.Collection: Running
9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!Collection: Sex
Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair.Collection: Real
Hillary Clinton said she hopes America is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. That was the great thing about her husband Bill: he was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office.Collection: Husband
The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during yourflight.Collection: Fcc
Like in [the 1950s] if you wanted to ruin someone´s career in Hollywood you claimed he was a Communist. Nowadays, you want to ruin someone´s career in Hollywood, you claim they are Republican.Collection: Party
Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.Collection: States
The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here's my question. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?Collection: Thinking
You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez.Collection: Texas
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.Collection: War
You've got Bush and Gore headed to the Supreme Court. You've got George W. Bush's intelligence will be pitted against Al Gore's honesty. This is more like a case for small claims court.Collection: Honesty
You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.Collection: Funny Inspirational
Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.Collection: Space
So, Wesley Clark is running for president. Pretty amazing guy. Four star general, first in his class at West Point, supreme commander of NATO, saw combat in Vietnam, won the bronze star, silver star, the purple heart for being wounded in battle. See, I'm no political expert, but that sounds pretty good next to choking on a pretzel, falling off a scooter and dropping the dog.Collection: Running
Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination have been suspended. They got suspended because they were looking at their laptops instead of flying the plane. Think about this -- everybody else on the plane has to turn off their laptops except for the people flying the plane.Collection: Past
I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'Collection: Believe
Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie.Collection: Hate
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the Internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. But, see, like most Internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkeys said 'Kill us now.'Collection: Country
I always tell new people in show business. I say, "Look, show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you're gonna get screwed. And when you get screwed, you will have this pile of money off to the side already." And they go, "OK, OK. OK, you ready? You ready?" "I got screwed." "You got the pile of money?" "Yeah, I'm fine." I mean, that's the way it works.Collection: Mean