Jay Leno
While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government official. Bill said, "No way!" How does that make Hillary feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow.Collection: Daughter
Vice President Joe Biden said today that 'Syria must be held accountable.' Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.Collection: Ideas
If there isn't a parking space out front or I can't see my car from the window, we're eating somewhere else.Collection: Somewhere Else
Regulations force people to do better.Collection: People
We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.Collection: Jobs
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?Collection: Giving
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.Collection: Firsts
How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol ? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.Collection: Night
So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh - meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"Collection: America
In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.Collection: Funny
The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.Collection: Funny
Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".Collection: America
Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.Collection: Funny
Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have a sexual relationship with an intern. Only Congress would need a rule to tell them cheating on their wives is not ethical. Don't we have that rule? I believe it's called the Sixth Commandment.Collection: Cheating
Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.Collection: Home
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France's best player got ejected for head butting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years.Collection: Congratulations
106 [degrees] in the valley... I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.Collection: Degrees
Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.Collection: White
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items -- like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.Collection: Luxury
China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen.Collection: Country
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that's science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?Collection: Trends
Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?Collection: Lasts
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.Collection: Funny
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.Collection: Security Guards
Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.Collection: Easter
The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.Collection: Circles
Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I'm glad we have a president that can read.Collection: Eight
Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.Collection: Corruption
Kerry is saying that Bush never showed up for his national guard duty ... and now Bush is on the attack. He's accusing John Kerry of ducking time in the national guard by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam.Collection: Vietnam
I like cars that are ahead of their times, and that were noble failures because they were built to a higher standard than the consumer needed. Cars like the Wills Sainte Claire or the Duesenberg.Collection: Car
USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning.Collection: Dna
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.Collection: Couple
Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.Collection: Children
Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.Collection: Race
There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!Collection: Men
Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging.Collection: Doctors
There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad.Collection: Rumor
This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week.Collection: Kids
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks.Collection: Military
Jesse Jackson's wife was arrested in Puerto Rico while protesting the naval bombings there. Jesse said he was holding a meeting with four of his secretaries to decide what to do and that these meetings could run well into the night.Collection: Running
President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.Collection: People
Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant.Collection: Hurt
I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went 'Booo! Booo!' and was throwing stuff. I had to say 'Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!'Collection: Night
I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?Collection: Couple
The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off.Collection: Taken
Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance.Collection: Vocabulary
President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?Collection: Movie
John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her - at her bank.Collection: Vacation