Jay Leno
In Afghanistan, U.S. troops are now holding an American man who has been fighting alongside the Taliban. His mother says he was born in Washington, D.C. and his father's a lawyer. Well, that explains it. ... He surrendered to authorities and said he wants to go back to his old job - airline security guard.Collection: Mother
House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that.Collection: Should Have
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'Collection: Beach
You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously.Collection: Fall
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.Collection: Sex
According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news is, when they do break your legs there's a good chance you're covered.Collection: New York
Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it.Collection: Country
Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he's not doing good in Afghanistan either.Collection: Good Night
When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'Collection: Rap
The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.Collection: Sleep
A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he's going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.Collection: Thinking
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.Collection: Names
Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.Collection: Nike
San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, 'Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'Collection: Jobs
President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.Collection: California
Wikipedia was offline after an overheating problem at one of its data centers. It was pretty bad. For a while there, people had nowhere to go for phony, inaccurate information.Collection: Data
You know what I'm doing for Easter? I'm gonna be hanging with my Peeps.Collection: Easter
President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.Collection: Upset
As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden.Collection: Morning
Here's the latest from the Pentagon -- the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.Collection: War
If you're a gunfighter, you like to die in the street.Collection: Streets
Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!Collection: Valentines Day