Greg Proops
If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.Collection: Iraq
Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.Collection: Country
Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.Collection: Falling In Love
Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?Collection: Sex
Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.Collection: Country
It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.Collection: Matter
White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.Collection: Ice Cream
No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.Collection: Natural
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.Collection: Athlete
I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.Collection: Crush
I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.Collection: Animal
If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.Collection: Country
You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!Collection: Years
You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.Collection: Ironic
I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.Collection: Thinking
If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.Collection: Going Away
We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.Collection: Blue
I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.Collection: Nightlife
Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'Collection: Religious
And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.Collection: Fool
I have to hear this all the time in England: Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.Collection: Country
People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.Collection: Believe
I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.Collection: Kings
I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.Collection: Home
Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.Collection: Hot
Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.Collection: Tents
I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.Collection: Cancer
I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.Collection: Heart
I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.Collection: Confidence
Yo. I'm from Beverly Hills, and I be pimpin'.Collection: Beverly Hills
My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.Collection: Animal
I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.Collection: War
I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.Collection: Knowledge
I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.Collection: Thinking
In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.Collection: Beautiful
I like the night life, I like to boogy.Collection: Night
Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.Collection: Animal
I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.Collection: People
President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.Collection: Friday
I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.Collection: College
How would you like to make money in real estate?Collection: Real
I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.Collection: Country
I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.Collection: Baldness
I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I'm sorta stuck with this now. It's a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.Collection: School
Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.Collection: Gentleman
If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.Collection: Costumes
You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?Collection: Sex
Tequila is like acid in a glass.Collection: Glasses
I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.Collection: Glasses
Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.Collection: Stars