Fran Lebowitz
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.
I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.
If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.Collection: Children
When you reach a certain age, suddenly there are lots of people younger than you, which is really startling.Collection: People
I always liked people who are older. Of course, every year it gets harder to find them.Collection: Years
Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house.Collection: History
Think before you speak. Read before you think.Collection: Inspirational
I don't believe in anything you have to believe in.Collection: Believe
If people don't hold grudges, it means they just don't care what people do.Collection: Mean
The downfall of most diets is that they restrict your intake of food.Collection: Downfall
I think one manifestation of integrity is holding a grudge. Saying no is a little different. Holding a grudge is the modern equivalent of having standards.Collection: Integrity
If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal.Collection: Gay Pride
Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era.Collection: Eras
The only appropriate response to the question, 'Can I be frank?' is, 'Yes, if I can be Barbara.Collection: Honesty
Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.Collection: Atheist
What do they do in these [private] clubs, anyway? Sit around saying things like 'Thank God I'm here. No Jews! What fun! This is living, huh? Look! No Jews! I don't know when I've had a better time. And no women! Just men! And no blacks! Just whites! White men! White men who are not Jewish! It doesn't get any better than this.' To some people, apparently, this is a perfect description of injustice. To me, this is a perfect description of a gay bar in Iceland.Collection: Fun
Violet will be a good color for hair at just about the same time that brunette becomes a good color for flowers.Collection: Inspirational
You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.Collection: Bitterness
Any artist who has that quality of timelessness has that quality because they tell the truth.Collection: Artist
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.Collection: Stars
No one earns $100 million. You steal $100 million.Collection: Stealing
You should make it hard on yourself to write so you’re easier to read.Collection: Writing
I am not... totally unreceptive to colour providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare.Collection: Fashion
A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.Collection: Passion
Writers have problems writing sex scenes, because writing one really well is pornography.Collection: Sex
Knowingness is sexy. The opposite of sexy is naivete.Collection: Sexy
The first step in having any successful war is getting people to fight it.Collection: War
If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer -- not a book.Collection: Book
I don't like the kind of country living where you have to help. I like country living where there is help.Collection: Country
You sit or stand in the subway, and you look around - I do, because I don't have a phone so I'm not playing a game - and you see people.Collection: Phones
I am a New Yorker. I like New York. And I like cities. And it's not my desire to make New York more suburban. I would personally just like to vet each person.Collection: New York
There's too much democracy in the culture, not enough in the society.Collection: Democracy
When I started publishing, I got offers to write for big magazines. But I would always say, "Well, it's not that I don't want to write for these big magazines, but you can't edit it."Collection: Writing
Now people need special costumes to ride bicycles. I mean, a helmet, what, are you an astronaut??Collection: Mean
I always make a big effort to make a distinction between what is actually worse or what is just worse about not being 21. Of course, it's much worse not to be 21. This is a given. But there are things that are worse.Collection: Effort
Perhaps one of the more noteworthy trends of our time is the occupation of buildings accompanied by the taking of hostages. The perpetrators of these deeds are generally motivated by political grievance, social injustice, and the deeply felt desire to see how they look on TV.Collection: Political
Contrary to what many of you may imagine, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks - chief among them the unpleasant fact that one is frequently called upon to sit down and write.Collection: Writing
I have friends, some of whom are spectacularly good writers, who really want someone to edit them. I don't register that impulse. It's like the impulse for wanting a dog.Collection: Dog
Citizen's Band radio renders one accessible to a wide variety of people from all walks of life. It should not be forgotten that all walks of life include conceptual artists, dry cleaners, and living poets.Collection: Artist
I hate academic mysteries. As soon as I come across the word 'don' and it's not someone's first name, I close the book.Collection: Hate
It is not true that there is dignity in all work. Some jobs are definitely better than others.... People who have good jobs are happy, rich, and well dressed. People who have bad jobs are unhappy, poor and use meat extenders. Those who seek dignity in the type of work that compels them to help hamburgers are certain to be disappointed.Collection: Jobs
I'm like the laziest person who ever lived. It's amazing to me I even sit up.Collection: Laziness
The first time I ever saw platform shoes in the '70s, I knew they'd been revived from the '40s, and I felt sickened. And for whatever reason, they keep getting revived. They've come back four times. I wish we could let them die. They want to die. They were horrible then, they're horrible now.Collection: Wish
Money...buys privacy, silence. The less money you have, the noisier it is; the thinner your walls, the closer your neighbors.... The first thing you notice when you step into the house or apartment of a rich person is how quiet it is.Collection: Wall
[Friendships] are easy to get out of compared to love affairs, but they are not easy to get out of compared to, say, jail.Collection: Friendship
My other hobby, because I just love any job with a gavel, is auctioneer. And I so often have presided over charity auctions in New York that many years ago Sotheby's sent me my own gavel. Now, the Sotheby's gavel is infinitely more elegant--it came in a little velvet bag, with "Sotheby's" inscribed in gold. It hangs in my library. I feel that everyone has occasion to use a gavel at various times everyday, they just don't think of it.Collection: Jobs
There is nothing more mine than my writing, nothing I'm more proprietary about.Collection: Writing
For the movie review columns, I always knew exactly what I was going to write about - the movies.Collection: Writing