Eugene Mirman
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.Collection: Fathers Day
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.Collection: Media
You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.Collection: Girl
Try not to wake up on fire.Collection: Fire
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.Collection: Dog
If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.Collection: Treasure
I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?Collection: Eye
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.Collection: Kids
I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.Collection: Summer
What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.Collection: Thinking
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.Collection: Love
Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?Collection: Talking
A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.Collection: Thinking
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.Collection: Lying
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.Collection: Girl
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).Collection: Moving
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?Collection: War
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.Collection: Children
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'Collection: Hurt
Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.Collection: Baby
There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.Collection: Thinking
Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.Collection: Dream
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.Collection: Beer
Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.Collection: Sex
In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.Collection: Attitude
High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.Collection: Girl
There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.Collection: Silly
Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.Collection: Dream
God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.Collection: Boys
Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.Collection: Fake
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.Collection: Night
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.Collection: Guitar
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.Collection: Space
If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.Collection: Giving
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?Collection: Regret
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.Collection: Jobs
It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.Collection: People
Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.Collection: America
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.Collection: Comedian
School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.Collection: Children
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.Collection: Fun
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.Collection: Cities
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.Collection: Kids
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.Collection: Boys
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.Collection: Reason
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.Collection: Drug
I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.Collection: Oddities
I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.Collection: Logic
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.Collection: Nice
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.Collection: Jobs