Eugene Mirman
Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?Collection: Hate
I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.Collection: Thinking
The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.Collection: School
Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?Collection: Towns
Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.Collection: Giving
I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?Collection: Believe
I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.Collection: Dog
I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.Collection: Beach
On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.Collection: Apples
I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.Collection: Thinking
I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?Collection: Freedom Of Speech
The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.Collection: Airports
You can do anything you want, as long as it works.Collection: Long
Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.Collection: Lonely
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.Collection: Sports
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'Collection: Dirty
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).Collection: Medicine
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.Collection: Thinking
Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.Collection: Keys
There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.Collection: Girl
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.Collection: Thinking
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.Collection: Music
I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.Collection: Sex
On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.Collection: Sides
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.Collection: Believe
It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.Collection: Jobs
I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.Collection: Toss