Emo Philips
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.Collection: Thinking
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.Collection: Cute
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.Collection: Reading
The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.Collection: Exploding
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.Collection: Air
I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.Collection: Running
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.Collection: Funny
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.Collection: Funny
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?Collection: Baseball
There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'Collection: Thinking
If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.Collection: Laughing
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.Collection: Government
You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.Collection: Children
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.Collection: Baseball
I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.Collection: Girl
I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.Collection: Animal
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".Collection: Children
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.Collection: Kids
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.Collection: People
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.Collection: Running
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.Collection: Thinking
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.Collection: Sex
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.Collection: Funny
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.Collection: Luxury
I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.Collection: Baby
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.Collection: Relationship
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."Collection: Funny
I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.Collection: Love
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.Collection: Funny
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"Collection: Funny
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.Collection: Magazines
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.Collection: Wrestling
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.Collection: Funny
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.Collection: Hiker
I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?Collection: Ifs
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.Collection: Taken
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.Collection: Jobs
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.Collection: School
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.Collection: Two
Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.Collection: Cutting
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.Collection: Guy
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?Collection: Gun
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.Collection: Family
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.Collection: Jobs
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.Collection: Funny
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.Collection: Television
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.Collection: Funny
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.Collection: Girlfriend
Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.Collection: Running