Ellen DeGeneres
There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?Collection: Book
[Airline food] is the tiniest food I've ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get - chicken, steak, anything - has grill marks on each side, like somehow we'll actually believe there's an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.Collection: Travel
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.Collection: Funny
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.Collection: Women
The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.Collection: Hurt
There are people out there hiding all kinds of things. People who have all this success and all this fame and all this money, and yet there are secrets that they think if we found out about, it would be over for them. And it's a horrible way to live whether you're famous or not.Collection: Thinking
You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.Collection: Growing Up
Do you live each day as if it's your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on.Collection: Each Day
If there weren't blacks, Jews and gays, there would no Oscars. Or anyone named Oscar, if you think about that.Collection: Gay
I admire people who know they can't sing. There are so many people out there who can't sing, but they think they can, so they sing a lot.Collection: Thinking
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.Collection: Life
I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!Collection: Fitness
I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, "Put that thing there so I can crush it.Collection: Crush
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.Collection: Funny
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.Collection: Bullying
You talk to some people who are opposed to same sex marriage, and they'll say, 'If we allow that, what's next? Will people want to marry animals?'...You have to wonder about people who go straight to that idea --- and they think WE'RE weird!Collection: Sex
Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.Collection: Smile
You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.'Collection: Funny Relationship
I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do.Collection: Feel Better
And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue. They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. What about the bangs are they shorter?! Are the bangs shorter?! The bangs!Collection: Cutting
I never see the glass half empty because I drink out the bottleCollection: Glasses
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.Collection: Funny
If you're in a position where you can help other people, there is nothing better in life than helping other people. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!Collection: Helping Others
The song 'If I Had a Hammer' is geared toward people who don't have a hammer. Maybe before I had a hammer I thought I'd hammer in the morning and hammer in the evening. But once you get a hammer, you find you don't really hammer as much as you thought you would.Collection: Song
Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing. Chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.Collection: Phones
Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if it's your last because that way you will appreciate every single moment you have. Other people believe that you should live each day as if it's your first because then every day can be the beginning of a new journey.Collection: Believe
For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13.Collection: Drinking
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!" I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!Collection: Sorry
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.Collection: Funny
We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke.Collection: Dog
Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.Collection: Hilarious
You're never too old to play. You're only too old for low-rise jeans.Collection: Fashion
And the bottom line is we are who we are-we look a certain way, we talk a certain way, we walk a certain way. I strut because I’m a supermodel, and sometimes I gallop for fun. When we learn to accept that, other people learn to accept us. So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.Collection: Fun
It is a fundamental right for people to be allowed to love who they want to love and marry who they want to marry and stop holding on to some form of discrimination that it's just isn't fair.Collection: People
When life gives you lemons....they could really be oranges.Collection: Orange
Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground... I would serioulsy consider fakin' it.Collection: Funny
When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.Collection: Regret
I won't have a hard time being brutally honest. But I won't be mean. You don't have to be mean to be honest.Collection: Mean
You're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.Collection: Dance
We use only 10% of our brains... Imagine how smart we would be if we used the other 60%!Collection: Education
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.Collection: Thinking
If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!Collection: Song
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.Collection: Hate
When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important. It's hard to understand failure when you're going through it, but in the grand scheme of things it's good to fall down - not because you're drunk and not near stairs.Collection: Fall
All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.Collection: Funny
There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it - aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.Collection: Confused
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.Collection: Assuming
Why can't rappers just say nice things? Like I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice.Collection: Real
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.Collection: Funny