Ellen DeGeneres
Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.Collection: Music
If we don’t want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we’re stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions.Collection: Alternatives
There are people who study germs. I believe they are called GermansCollection: Believe
The legend goes that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I was thinking... that must be hard to put all the tiny seatbelts on all the snakes.Collection: Thinking
I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.Collection: Funny
So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.Collection: Hug
We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.Collection: Two
Actually this is really funny - one time she accidentally forgot to leave a note and I had no idea she had even moved. I was living in the house with a beautiful Mexican family for three months before I realized they weren't my cousins visiting from out of town. They were so nice. They called me "Quien es, quien es," which I thought was a beautiful name.Collection: Beautiful
Save a life this Thanksgiving, and join me in starting a new tradition by adopting a turkey instead of eating one through Farm Sanctuary's Adopt-A-Turkey Project.Collection: Thanksgiving
Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?Collection: Stupid
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.Collection: Funny
What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.Collection: Funny
Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing.Collection: Sometimes
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.Collection: Unique
I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. "Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2."Collection: Success
I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That's real beauty to me.Collection: Real
I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person.Collection: Kindness
One rough patch is not the big picture.Collection: Rough Patches
There's nothing I know for sure, because I know for sure that things change.Collection: Things Change
Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.Collection: Funny
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One time in high school. Three times in my twenties. Rocks no salt. Yes. Four. Never. And how dare you! I will take no further questions.Collection: School
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.Collection: Funny
You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.Collection: Curves
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"Collection: Funny
If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts.Collection: Hurt
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.Collection: Funny
For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.Collection: People
I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.Collection: Funny
Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.Collection: Funny
Portia and I have been married for 4 years and they have been the happiest of my life. And in those 4 years, I don't think we hurt anyone else's marriage. I asked all of my neighbors and they say they're fineCollection: Hurt
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.Collection: Funny
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, 'I have a problem with procrastination, too.' I said 'Really?... Get my sandwich.'Collection: Procrastination
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.Collection: Funny
I'm not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it's clear. It's Jared Leto. I mean, he's the prettiest. Boy is he prettyCollection: Beautiful
Baloney is just salami with an inferiority complex.Collection: Inferiority
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.Collection: Funny
I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more.Collection: Thinking
Haiku sounds like I'm Saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.Collection: Sound
You know, radio DJ's must really love to talk to theirselves. Especially when they have the graveyard shift. 'Hey this is Ellen with 89.1. It is currently three in the morning. There are few cars on the road. And it your still listening heres a little music to get you to dance.Collection: Morning
Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.Collection: Moving
It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.Collection: Water
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.Collection: Thinking
I'm just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It's something we have in our power to do. It reminds me of that Margaret Mead quote: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.Collection: Thoughtful
I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it’s dark and you can’t see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears?Collection: Real
I'm going to be kind, because then it all just kind of spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.Collection: Kindness
Something big happened over the weekend. Something that affects everybody, all over the world. George Clooney got married.Collection: Weekend
I think what saved me is me being honest. I think I somewhow had the courage to do something and say something that I knew would possibly end my career. Instead of making business more important I made my soul and my life more important. And I think by being truthful, and being honest, that saved me.Collection: Thinking
It's such an honor to receive the Mark Twain Prize. To get the same award that has been given to people like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey and Will Ferrell, it really makes me wonder… why didn't I get this sooner?Collection: Awards
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'Collection: Funny