Adam Carolla
I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses. I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. The pace of radio is very fast. Boom, boom, with a little six minute segment, then on to the next thing. With podcasts you can talk about something for 25 minutes if you like - there is a lot of artistic freedom with it.Collection: Different
I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.Collection: Sex
Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.Collection: Women
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.Collection: Funny
I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.Collection: Funny
Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!Collection: Atheist
In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.Collection: Nice
When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.Collection: Christmas
I know everything because I know nothing.Collection: Knows
Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.Collection: Funny
Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!Collection: Funny
I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.Collection: Ill Will
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!Collection: Funny
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.Collection: Funny
To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.Collection: Important
We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.Collection: Sex
That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.Collection: Sports
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.Collection: Funny
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.Collection: Funny
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.Collection: Reason Why
It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.Collection: Morning
I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera - sort of low-key. I don't like being on camera stuff that much. I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader. Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show.Collection: Cat
You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.Collection: Funny
It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.Collection: July
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.Collection: Funny
Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.Collection: School
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.Collection: Funny
When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.Collection: Country
[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.Collection: Government
I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.Collection: Soccer
That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?Collection: Funny
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.Collection: Funny
When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.Collection: Missing
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.Collection: Funny
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.Collection: Funny
I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.Collection: Funny
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.Collection: Funny
I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.Collection: Ill Will
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.Collection: Funny
A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.Collection: Practice
As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.Collection: Moving
There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.Collection: Christian
If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?Collection: Media
My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.Collection: Car
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.Collection: Funny
All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.Collection: Funny
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."Collection: Daughter
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.Collection: Funny
Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?Collection: Sleep