Stephen Colbert
You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!Collection: Dinner
'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.Collection: Devil
Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.Collection: Drinking
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.Collection: Names
I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!Collection: Believe
...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.Collection: Kids
Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.Collection: Communication
Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.Collection: Math
I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.Collection: Reality
Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.Collection: Kids
When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.Collection: Book
To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.Collection: Democracy
Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005Collection: Ohio
I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.Collection: Kids
Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.Collection: Abortion
No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.Collection: Ideas
If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.Collection: Mean
Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.Collection: Running
brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.Collection: Acronyms
Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.Collection: Beta
Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!Collection: Mean
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.Collection: Summer
Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.Collection: Obamacare
Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.Collection: Two
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!Collection: Animal
You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.Collection: Funny
I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.Collection: Muslim Extremists
Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycleCollection: Men
Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.Collection: Funny
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.Collection: Surrender
North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'Collection: Korea
It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.Collection: Children
Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.Collection: Winning
I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.Collection: Mistake
I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.Collection: Sex
I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.Collection: Als
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!Collection: Funny
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.Collection: Would Be
I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.Collection: Character
That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.Collection: Cutting
Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant.Collection: Would Be
This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.Collection: America
There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.Collection: Orange
You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.Collection: Change
I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.Collection: Fun
What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?Collection: Gun
We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']Collection: Easter
And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.Collection: Running
There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.Collection: Funny