Stephen Colbert
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.Collection: Artist
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.Collection: Change
I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.Collection: Laughter
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.Collection: Book
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.Collection: Surveillance State
Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed and you're not some loser-but just as importantly-if you do get your dream, you're not a winner.Collection: Graduation
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.Collection: Fighting
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.Collection: Real
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!Collection: Stupid
But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.Collection: I Like You
Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!Collection: Football
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?Collection: Funny
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterfliesCollection: Butterfly
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.Collection: Dimes
It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. I'd say that about covers it.Collection: Moving
Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.Collection: Religion
The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.Collection: Cost Of Living
You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.Collection: Passion
This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I thought we were past the point in this country where some people aren't people just because they have different color skin or different religion or were born in a lawyer's office, only exist on paper, have no soul and can never die.Collection: Country
If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?Collection: Teacher
You don’t look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.Collection: Book
Global warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.Collection: Real
I’ve said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.Collection: Romance
I don’t like books, they’re all fact, no heart.Collection: Book
When I read books it’s to escape. It’s so I don’t have to talk to people.Collection: Book
I’ve long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.Collection: Real
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don’t think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald’s.Collection: Country
I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?Collection: Book
Republicans: the party that brought us ‘Just Say No.’ First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.Collection: Firsts
I’ll make fun of anybody. We’re all about falling down and going boom on camera.Collection: Fun
It’s the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.Collection: Country