Stephen Colbert
Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to.
In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'
I have tender feelings for Nixon because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted 'The Munsters.'
I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes.
It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.
If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.
The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jon would be the new host of 'The Daily Show,' which back then was not called 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.'
I heard that after you throw away a 'New York Times,' it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade.
Who really wants to be themselves when they're teenagers?
I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh.
I can't prove it, but I can say it.
Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.
I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.
You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians.
I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.
My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about.
I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!
I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.
What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
I have a morality. I don't know if it's the best morality. And I do like thinking. If people perceive that as a moral intellectualism, that's fine. That's up to them to decide.
Late-night shows are 'Chopped.' Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds and gummy bears. There, make a show ... Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That's what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.Collection: Christian
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.Collection: People
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.Collection: Funny
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.Collection: Inspirational
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.Collection: Apples
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.Collection: Real
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.Collection: Inspiring
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.Collection: Jesus
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.Collection: Believe
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.Collection: Funny
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.Collection: Believe
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.Collection: Country
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.Collection: Country
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.Collection: Change
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.Collection: Thirty
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.Collection: Grief
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.Collection: Reality
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.Collection: Wine
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.Collection: Morning
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.Collection: Beer