Ron White
Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.
I always wanted to be a popular comedian.
I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.
There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.
I go through about 140 cities a year.
It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.
I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.
I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.
I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.
I think the world has their own good, clean, Christian comedy. They don't need my help.
My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.
I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.
Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.
I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.
If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.
My show is more storytelling now than it's ever been. It's what I'm good at.
I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.
If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.
There's no such thing as a hit joke.
Comedy is great because there's no overhead.
I write all of my material. It's all me.
I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.
All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.
I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.
Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.
People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.
TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.
If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.
I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would.
People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.
Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.
The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.
You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.Collection: Stupid
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.Collection: Bumper Sticker
Years ago, while I was watching a baseball game between the Baltimore Orioles and the Texas Rangers, I remember staring in awe at Cal Ripken. I realized during this game that 'you don't have to be flashy' or have 'power numbers' to be great. It's about the simple things that are the hard things. It's about leadership, work ethic and commitment.Collection: Baseball
The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"Collection: Funny
We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!Collection: Stupid
You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.Collection: Two
In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.Collection: Texas
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.Collection: Funny
Everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level. Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me and I'm pretty good at helping them get there. I think we all work together on some level, but for the most part, we're on our own.Collection: Thinking
The biggest piece of advice that I give young comedians is: If it's your goal to get where I'm at, go do something else. Because you'll never get here. Never. The odds are so bad. Because not only do you have to be a really, really strong comedian but you also have to be lucky. And most people don't get that combination.Collection: Strong
I don't even plan things until later, so no I got no plans.Collection: Plans
Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The HicksCollection: Stars
Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.Collection: Men
It's something that's really fun to do. It's a family business.Collection: Fun
I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.Collection: Cuban Cigars