Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!Collection: Happiness
Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.Collection: Basketball
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.Collection: Listening
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.Collection: Funny
These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.Collection: Punishment
Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.Collection: Rain
Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.Collection: Cities
Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.Collection: Feet
Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.Collection: Laughing
It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.Collection: Jobs
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.Collection: Clothes
New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!Collection: Cities
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.Collection: Needs
I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.Collection: Government
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.Collection: Mom
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.Collection: Morning
Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?Collection: Taxation Without Representation
Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.Collection: Successful
The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.Collection: Humility
Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.Collection: Believe
I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."Collection: Couple
Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.Collection: Memorable
Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.Collection: Wall
I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?Collection: Blessing
To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.Collection: Work
They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.Collection: Kids
When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.Collection: Giving
Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.Collection: Years
Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!Collection: Book
Individuality' is the key to success.Collection: Keys
The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.Collection: Years
Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.Collection: Dreamer
Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.Collection: Lasts
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?Collection: What If
I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!Collection: Family
A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.Collection: Funny
A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.Collection: War
I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'Collection: Yesterday
Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.Collection: Pain
Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?Collection: Travel
There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.Collection: Two
It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.Collection: Writing
To exercise is human; not to is divine.Collection: Exercise
Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.Collection: Valentine
We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.Collection: Family
I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education--show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.Collection: Education
All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.Collection: Grief
They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.Collection: People