Phyllis Diller
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .Collection: Funny
They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.Collection: Fire
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.Collection: Inspirational
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.Collection: Baby
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.Collection: Thinking
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.Collection: Funny
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.Collection: Alarms
All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.Collection: Mother
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.Collection: Inspirational
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.Collection: Thinking
Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.Collection: War
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.Collection: Night
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.Collection: Wall
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."Collection: Funny
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.Collection: Inspirational
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.Collection: Husband
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.Collection: Funny
It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.Collection: Goes On
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.Collection: Police
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.Collection: Inspirational
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.Collection: Mean
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.Collection: Funny
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.Collection: Sex
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.Collection: Inspirational
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.Collection: Mother
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.Collection: Kids
When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.Collection: Beautiful
All mothers are working mothers.Collection: Mother
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.Collection: Beauty
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!Collection: Records
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.Collection: Inspirational
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.Collection: Kissing
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.Collection: Inspirational
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.Collection: Funny
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.Collection: Eight
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.Collection: Men
I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.Collection: Mother
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.Collection: Missing
I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.Collection: Men
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.Collection: Sister In Law
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.Collection: Funny
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.Collection: Christmas
Comedy is tragedy revisited.Collection: Tragedy
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.Collection: Practice
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.Collection: Men
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.Collection: Important
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!Collection: Mother
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.Collection: Inspirational
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.Collection: Offending