Phyllis Diller
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.Collection: Parent
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.Collection: Blow
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.Collection: Fire
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.Collection: Three
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.Collection: Inspirational
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.Collection: Underwear
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.Collection: People
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.Collection: Airbags
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.Collection: Fitness
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.Collection: Family
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.Collection: Falling In Love
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.Collection: Food
Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can’t see it, touch it, only feel it. It’s called LOVE.Collection: Firsts