Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.Collection: Faces
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.Collection: Marriage
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.Collection: People
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.Collection: Giving Up
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.Collection: Cute
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.Collection: Jeans
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?Collection: Men
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'Collection: Doors
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!Collection: Funny
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.Collection: War
I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.Collection: Mother
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.Collection: Ideas
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.Collection: Believe
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.Collection: Children
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.Collection: Funny
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.Collection: Inspirational
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.Collection: Inspirational
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.Collection: Inspirational
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.Collection: Night
Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.Collection: People
A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.Collection: Running
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!Collection: Baby
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.Collection: Husband
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.Collection: Humor
On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.Collection: Baby
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.Collection: Husband
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.Collection: Funny
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.Collection: Looks
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.Collection: Sleep
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.Collection: Husband
I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.Collection: Dope
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?Collection: Men
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.Collection: Husband
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!Collection: Hate
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.Collection: Apples
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.Collection: Girl
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.Collection: Home
[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.Collection: Over You
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.Collection: Inspirational
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.Collection: Breaths
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.Collection: Inspirational
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.Collection: Sex
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.Collection: Funny
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.Collection: Guests
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.Collection: Husband
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.Collection: Funny
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.Collection: Night
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.Collection: Kids
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.Collection: Running