Marshall B. Rosenberg
We never really know what we want until after we get it. If after we get it, it makes life more miserable, we know that isn't what we wanted. If it makes our life wonderful, we know this is a strategy which will meet out need. That's why Paul Tillich, the theologian says we need to sin courageously. You ask for what you want, hoping to meet your needs. If you get it and it makes life worse, you learn that this isn't what I want.Collection: Communication
There are the two main reasons we don't get our needs met. First, we don't know how to express our needs to begin with and second if we do, we forget to put a clear request after it, or we use vague words like appreciate, listen, recognize, know, be real, and stuff like that.Collection: Real
We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in the derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves. As author and mythologist Joseph Campbell suggested, "'What will they think of me?' must be put aside for bliss." We begin to feel this bliss when messages previously experienced as critical or blaming begin to be seen for the gifts they are: opportunities to give to people who are in pain.Collection: Pain
The best way I can get understanding from another person is to give this person the understanding, too. If I want them to hear my needs and feelings, I first need to empathize.Collection: Giving
Avoid 'shoulding' on others and yourself!Collection: Communication
Punishment is the root of violence on our planet.Collection: Communication
We want people to change because they see better ways of meeting their needs at less cost, not because of fear that we're going to punish them, or 'guilt' them if they don't. This applies to ourselves as well.Collection: Compassion
When you ride the wave, the thrill is so exhilarating that you forget everything else. You live in the moment where nothing else matters, so intent on riding the wave perfectly that you and the wave become one. Pain and worry disappear, replaced by euphoria, akin to flow. Similarly, when giving empathy, you want to strive for this kind of total presence for the person you are listening to.Collection: Pain
If we don't tell people about our needs, it is much less likely they will be met.Collection: Communication
If we wish to express anger fully, the first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger.Collection: Communication
NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people.Collection: Communication
Understanding the other persons' needs does not mean you have to give up on your own needs.Collection: Giving Up
Two things distinguish nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, you don't see an enemy and second, your intention is not to make the other side suffer.Collection: Communication
We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (a) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy, (b) scream nonviolently, or (c) take time out.Collection: Giving
To do this, you can bring in nothing from the past. So the more psychology you've studied, the harder it will be to empathize. The more you know the person, the harder it will be to empathize. Diagnoses and past experiences can instantly knock you off the board. This doesn't mean denying the past. Past experiences can stimulate what's alive in this moment. But are you present to what was alive then or what the person is feeling and needing in this moment?Collection: Mean
Remember that whatever anyone does, it is an effort to meet a need.Collection: Communication
Very often, the way love is defined, it does violence to both people. It almost makes them a slave to the other. For example, if to be in love, or to be married, it means that I'm responsible for the other person's happiness, now we get into this guilt game, where if they're upset, I'm at fault. Soon, that makes the person we are closest to about as much fun to be around as a prolonged dental appointment.Collection: Fun
The first step in healing is to put the focus on what's alive now, not what happened in the past.Collection: Communication
As radical as it may seem, it is possible to do things only out of play. I believe that to the degree that we engage moment by moment in the playfulness of enriching life- motivated solely by the desire for its enrichment- to that degree are we being compassionate with ourselves.Collection: Believe
Most of us live in a Jackal world where we take turns using the other person as a waste basket for our words.Collection: Communication
While we may not consider the way we talk to be 'violent,' our words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or for ourselves.Collection: Hurt
When I am angry I have a judgment and an unmet need.Collection: Communication
I don't think you can have an authentic connection when one person is diagnosing the other.Collection: Communication
NVC is a reminder; to focus our attention where we are most likely to get our needs met.Collection: Communication
My anger tells me firstly that there's a need of mine that's not getting met.Collection: Needs
Empathy gives you the ability to enjoy another person's pain.Collection: Pain
We're not taught to think in terms of needs. We don't make nice dead people when we're in touch with needs. Domination structures cannot maintain themselves when citizens are educated to be alive.Collection: Nice
I think that there is a problem with rewards and consequences because in the long run, they rarely work in the ways we hope. In fact, they are likely to backfire.Collection: Running
Every time I mess up is a chance to practice.Collection: Communication
Never connect yourself with the other person's pain. Just hear their need. Leave yourself out of the other person's feelings and needs.Collection: Pain
When we have our consciousness on needs, images come to us, naturally, of how to meet those needs.Collection: Needs
When we make mistakes, we can use the process of NVC mourning and self-forgiveness to show us where we can grow instead of getting caught up in moralistic self-judgments.Collection: Mistake
They have most likely said it because they have an unmet need.Collection: Communication
A respectful understanding of another's experience.Collection: Empathy
NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.Collection: Communication
By maintaining our attention on what's going on within others, we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves. We would stem this flow if we were to shift attention too quickly either to their request or to our own desire to express ourselves.Collection: Self
Never give advice to your children unless you have it in writing and notarized.Collection: Children
My need is for safety, fun and to have distribution of resources, a sustainable life on the planet. NVC is a strategy that serves me to meet these needs.Collection: Fun
Plans to exact retribution are never going to make us safer.Collection: Communication
If the other persons behavior is not in harmony with my own needs, the more I empathize with them and their needs, the more likely I am to get me own needs met.Collection: Empathy
If you are a jackal, you will try to reassure. Jackals try to fix people in pain. They can't stand pain, but make matters worse by trying to get rid of it. Put on giraffe ears. Try to hear what they are feeling and needing.Collection: Pain
Never hear what a jackal-speaking person thinks, especially what they think about you.Collection: Communication
NVC gives us tools and understanding to create a more peaceful state of mind.Collection: Communication
We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.Collection: Communication
Social change involves helping people see new options for making life wonderful that are less costly to get needs met.Collection: Communication
Clinical training in psychoanalysis has a deficit. It teaches how to sit and think about what a person is saying and how to interpret it intellectually, but not how to be fully present to this person.Collection: Communication
The punitive use of force tends to generate hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.Collection: Communication
A difficult message to hear is an opportunity to enrich someone's life.Collection: Communication